A Hollow Soul
by ReluctantOptimist
Summary: It's been 3 years since Ichigo's been to the Soul Society, and 3 years since he last saw Renji. He hadn't changed one bit...or so he thinks. People say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Ichigo looked in his eyes but he only saw emptiness. IchiRen
1. Prologue: Only Colors

**Hello people! My name is ReluctantOptimist, but you're all free to call me Chris. :) **

**So, this is my first Bleach fanfiction story. I just recently became…obsessed in a sense, with the whole thing. But I know a great deal about it. But enough with that before I cross a tangent and start rambling…**

**Story: Bleach (Yaoi) **

**Rated: M**

**Couple: IchigoXRenji **

**Warnings: I use to give people warnings, but sense I'm an angst writer I think that destroys the purpose, but there is sex (boy on boy sex). That's all I can say. But this is also sort of out of my element of writing, but that is how we grow; by trying new things, and giving our best. :D**

**So read and enjoy. You can leave a review if you like, but I'm not complaining if you don't. I really just felt like writing this story.**

*****Oh and for the sake of the plot, let's all imagine that Renji is only an inch taller than Ichigo and is not towering over him as in the anime or magna, okay? Okay, awesome! Well enjoy! :)*****

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><p><span>Prologue: Only Colors<span>

Red! Red and black use to be all he could think about, all he could see. Crimson hair, flowing as soft tendrils fell around broad shoulders. He could only imagine how it would feel to weave his hands through rubescent locks, its sweet smell of cinnamon and raspberries enveloping and arousing him into a state of divine bliss as he only imagined the softness and smell cascading around him.

But when he wasn't dreaming about the softness of his hair or the sweet smell of raspberry and cinnamon, he was entranced by the exotic tribal markings that nearly covered his entire body. He could remember when they first met eight years ago and how those tattoos were barely seen hugging his flawlessly tanned skin, and how three years ago when he and all of Soul Society stood up to battle against the tyrant, Aizen Sosuke, the ink crawled all over him, as if it were slowly devouring his body.

The sight of it was so enthralling that he could hardly sustain the erotic heat emanating from his very being as if sending out pheromones during mating season. Just seeing those markings wrap around tone and flawless muscles made his body hot and his member erect.

He _used_ to think about this often; his red hair and the tainted ink that marred his skin…but now…not it felt more like an obsession, as if red and black were the only colors his eyes could perceive. The sky was red and the grass was black, that's how the world spun around him.

Although, it had been three years since he beheld the sculpted frame that preoccupied his dreams, or the muscles that flexed under obsidian markings, or his long, thick maroon locks. It had been three years since he had been to Soul Society after Aizen's imprisonment, and it had been three years since he defeated a Hollow, or even _seen_ a Hollow in Karakura Town.

Ever since his final battle against Aizen, defeating him using the Final Getsuga Tensho, he had been slowly losing his spiritual powers, and realized that the more he exert himself the quicker they dissolved. Captain-Commander Yamamoto-Genryusai forbade him from using his powers after learning his predicament, explaining that when they were needed he'd be called upon..

After so long he figured they wouldn't send for him, especially considering that they were doing one hell of a job without him. He hadn't seen or fought a Hollow for over three years, which meant that they must have everything under wraps. But he was thankful that he was still able to go to Urahara's shop and train a little, even if he wasn't allowed to use his bankai. And Rukia would come by every now and again to give him the latest updates on everyone and everything that was occurring in the Soul Society, and that made things a tad more bearable.

But now he lay in his bed, in his single bedroom flat abode, envisaging disheveled, red hair sprawled beneath him, and his tattooed face contorted in a mixture of pain and ecstasy, causing him to moan softly to himself.

"Am I interruptin' somethin'?" He jumped a mile high from the naked mattress, falling face first onto the floor. Immediately, memories began to flood his vision at the familiarity of that voice; husky and laced with masculinity that intruded on his reveries every night. He lifted himself before he turned and looked tentatively over his shoulder.

Red. Red hair blew freely in the wind as the figure crouched on the sill of his bedroom window, grinning. Those eyes, syrupy sweet and glazed over like honey. The way they bore into him sent forlorn shivers through his body.

"Renji," the dazed boy murmurs, his eyes widening as he took in all of him as he stepped through the squared frame, and a feeling of nostalgia washed over him, shudders racing through his person. _He hasn't changed much in the last three years,_ he thought to himself, _except the markings on his forehead seems to have gotten darker, and he doesn't have his hair in a ponytail. _His hair danced elegantly, kissing his shoulders and back. _It grew._

"What's up, Ichi?" He asked, grinning wider. He chuckled. "What'cha lookin' so surprised for?" Ichigo couldn't help but smile. _It's been a while since I heard anyone talk like that_.

"What are you doing here?" He noted Renji's grin fall from his face, his entire disposition becoming solemn in an instant, and his eyes looked elsewhere. Ichigo frowned.

"Captain Yamamoto-Genryusai sent for you." He replied, turning back to look him in the eyes.

_Damn!_ Ichigo scorned himself. _Did he just say something?... Mmm…those lips._. He moaned. _They look so supple._ Then Renji had abruptly disappeared.

The oranget's face twisted in befuddlement. "I guess I… follow him?" and without further thought he moved over to his nightstand and pulled open the drawer before grabbing a gumball and swallowing it. His soul ripped from his body, and he turned to himself. "Behave yourself, Kon."

"Hm? Where are you going?" The mod soul inquired.

"Soul Society…I think." Kon lifted Ichigo's brow.

"It's been a while hasn't it?" The berry only nodded in concurrence before he reiterated that he behaved himself while he was gone, not knowing exactly how long things would take. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever," he replied nonchalant. Then the substitute shinigami blurred out the window.

He tracked Renji's reiatsu as he jumped from building to building. _This has got to be bad_, he thought, Renji's suddenly critical expression finding light in his memory. He sighed, _it's got to be worse than bad for him to make a face like that_. He opted it would be wise to pick up his pace, and he vanished in a flash.


	2. An Undefeated Foe

An Undefeated Foe

He was too powerful to take on alone. That fact would actually clarify why four captains had to try and apprehend him; Captain Kuchiki Byakuya, Captain Hitsugaya Toshiro, Captain Ukitake Jushiro, and Captain Kyoraku Shunshi, along with their lieutenants'; Abarai Renji, Matsumoto Rangiku, Kotetsu Kiyone and Kotsubaki Sentaro, and Nanao Ise.

Also, the Substitute Shinigami, Kurosaki Ichigo was pursuing this indistinguishable culprit. It was someone he had never seen in Soul Society before, and what makes matters worse is that he's a _kid_. Their black kimono's and white haori's fluttered ungracefully in the chilling air as they swiftly disappeared and reappeared between trees.

"Hitsugaya," Ichigo started, his focus never leaving the perpetrator only thirty or forty yards ahead of them. Before the youngest Captain could even respond, Ichigo continued on. "What's the deal with this kid? What is he doing?"

"His name is Komaru. It's unclear as to what his primary goal is, but he seems to have singlehandedly tore through Seireitei's South and West gates without so much as a struggle from either Hikonyuto or Jidanbo." The silver-haired Captain replied, his tone was flat as though he spoke automatically while his mind pondered elsewhere. "But it is known that he has the ability to create natural disasters with his Zanpakuto, Sho-rodaichi."

"He took out those two big gate keepers without so much as breaking a sweat?" Ichigo mused aloud, and then he registered all that Toshiro had stated. "Wait! Zanpakuto? So he's a Shinigami?"

"He's definitely a shinigami," Renji interjected, his eyes glued to Komaru. Ichigo turned to him. He knew now wasn't the time, but he couldn't help himself from admiring such beauty. His tattooed face skewed in concentration as his hair was loosely dancing angrily against the winds, smacking into his shoulders with every jump he executed. "He doesn't have the reiatsu of a hollow, and he doesn't wear a mask to be an Arrancar."

"Perhaps he's a Visored," Nanao suggested.

"Perhaps," Hitsugaya replied. "I've never seen him around Soul Society, but whatever he is, he's a threat and he needs to be taken care of immediately." They hummed their concurrences. Ichigo looked ahead noting that this Komaru kid had red hair just like Renji, but a shade lighter, and far in the back of his mind he mindlessly wondered if his hair was as soft as the redhead that haunted his dreams.

_His hair is thinner, but I doubt it's softer though._ He thought to himself, and scolded himself immediately after for such meaningless thoughts. _Damn it, Ichigo now is not the time_, he growled, mentally berating himself.

"Scatter, Senbonzakura." Ichigo turned to the stoic Captain, noting that Byakuya was making the first move. He watched as the Sixth Division Captain's Zanpakuto shattered into a thousand little cherry blossoms, and with the flick of his wrist, the flowers dance after their prey.

"Howl! Zabimaru!" Renji shouted, thrusting his Zanpakuto forward, watching as it extended in segments towards its victim, blades readied.

He noted the red-haired kid look over his shoulder, smirking at the two incoming attacks, and that's when Ichigo noticed his eyes. They were red, just like his hair. They blazed with power and fearlessness. "Oh, please." He snickered. "You can all do better than that, can't you?" He turned around and aimlessly threw his arm out, a gust of wind swirling subsequently, deflecting both attacks before he disappeared behind the trees.

"C'mon. We can't lose him." Ukitake, Captain of the Thirteenth Squad, exulted. Before they could contemplate their next move, a wall of fire blazed in front of them, and they slowed, perplexed, before deciding to go around it.

"Ichigo!" Renji shouted after the oranget, who subjectively decided to go through the flames opposed to going around. He entered his bankai state and ripped past the wall.

Kyoraku laughed aloud. "That boy and his shenanigans."

"That wasn't a good idea," Nanao speculated. "He's already losing his spirit powers, and then he goes and uses his bankai? He's going to lose his powers before he even realize they're gone."

"We have to hurry!" Renji barked.

**X:~/~:X**

"I'm the only one who got past", Ichigo murmured to himself as he looked back at the wall spiraling flames. _Natural disasters, eh?...There is nothing natural about that._

"So, you're first, hm?" The orange-haired shinigami halted his movements, and looked up, discerning Komaru standing on air as though it were concrete. Ichigo stood on a thick branch, the boy's voice having pulled him from his deliberations, and almost automatically, Ichigo's face twisted into a scowl as he stared up into bleeding eyes. The redhead held his Zanpakuto to his side, letting it nearly dangle from his fingertips. "Hmm. I was hoping for someone with a bit more power…It seems like yours is fading by the second," he sighed. "But nevertheless, you'll be one less pain in my ass."

Ichigo growled, pointing his blade at the boy's head. "What're you after, _Komaru_?" He spat his name like the plague, as though he wasn't able to get it off his tongue fast enough, and his eyes narrowed.

"Hm." The shorter Shinigami tilted his head to the side in confusion. "You know my name?" He lifted his sword onto his shoulder, tapping it against his neck, bemused. "Interesting. I don't ever recall telling you…I don't ever recall seeing you around before, because I was certain I kept myself hidden." He contemplated. "Tell me, what is your name, boy?"

Ichigo snorted mockingly. _Boy_? He thought. The kid was about five foot five, where in the hell did he get off calling someone boy. Ichigo tightened his grip on the hilt of Zangetsu. "Kurosaki Ichigo," he answered defiant. "Now, answer my question. What are you looking for in Seireitei?"

Komaru's tapping ceased, and he smirked. "That doesn't matter. All that matters for you right now, _Kurosaki Ichigo_," he bit off, imitating the taller Shinigami, "is that you have all of about two minutes…more accurately, a minute and a half, until your comrades arrive." Komaru's smirk widened. "You think you can survive until then?"

Ichigo snarled in the back of his throat as his grip tightened more, readying himself with one foot forward and bringing both hands to rest on his blade's hilt. He glowered, seething as Komaru's smirk only widened as he prepared himself for the fight that was inevitable to commence.

In the blink of an eye the redhead threw his sword into the ground. "Devour, Sho-rodaichi." He chanted before Ichigo couldn't even calculate what had happened. Instantly the ground began to rumble violently until what sounded like a car crash echoed and the ground split in half; one crack at a time.

Ichigo stood mortified, eyes widened in disbelief as he stared at the growing fissure._ An earthquake_? "Ahhh!" Komaru cried out, and reflexively Ichigo jumped into the air, standing on concrete winds. Abruptly the ground spilt in two, swallowing everything in its path.

Ichigo looked down into the hole. He couldn't see the bottom. It was as if he'd fall forever if it were his fate to plummet into that massive beast. It was huge, consuming at least ten miles in its wake. It actually looked like the Earth had opened its mouth to devour him. His eyes quivered slightly. The next thing he knew he heard metal clashing and turned to see, and feel Komaru aggressively shoving against his sword.

"Pay attention or I might just kill you." He mocked; grinning at Ichigo's still widened eyes. _When did he grab his sword_? The oranget inquired to himself. He looked down at the massive abyss from the corner of his eye, noting that his Zanpakuto was still wedged into the ground. He looked back at him and the sword in his childlike hands; hands that held so much strength for only a child. _Where did this sword come from_? Komaru let out another battle cry, dragging his thin katana into Ichigo's, forcing the berry to plummet.

The oranget broke through the ground, rubble of rocks and debris surrounding him. Then a potent gust of wind whirled, and he found himself sliding into that dark abyss. Instinctively, he plundered Zangetsu into the side of the rock as friction to help stop him from plundering to what was undeniably, certain death. _C'mon Ichigo, get it together_. He pepped to himself, enclosed in the darkness of the huge trench Komaru had created.

"Is that it?" Komaru asked. Ichigo looked up towards the voice, the darkness obscuring his vision. Komaru stood by his own Zanpakuto, an unimpressed scowl adorn his childish features, his fiery red orbs hidden behind lilied lids. "Hmph. You couldn't even last a minute against me…you're pathetic, Kurosaki Ichigo." He turned his back before wrenching his sword from the dirt, a familiar rumbling rocketing through the earth. Incessant tremors wrecked Ichigo's body until he realized that the mouth was closing in around him.

"Shit." He jerked eloquently on the hilt of Zangetsu, pulling his sword from the rock, falling yet again until he gathered his footings and kicked off the wall before flying top-speed to the narrowing opening. "Black Moon Fang!" Ichigo swiftly swung his blade towards the aperture, a red and black crescent moon shape erupting from the tip, and created a big enough hole for him to slip through. He landed on his feet with a strenuous _umph. _"Where do you think you're going?" Ichigo called after discerning Komaru getting ready to run off again, his breathing was labored as his spiritual energy was gradually dissipating. He was nearly exhausted and he had hardly done anything.

_Damn it. I can't keep using my energy like this. I have to end this quickly._ Komaru turned around, grinning. _What the hell is wrong with this kid_? "What's funny?" Ichigo growled, annoyed with his constant grinning. The redhead chuckled.

"It's obvious that you're near your limit, do you really want to continue on with this?" Ichigo didn't answer, instead he flash stepped, and appearing behind him, he thrust his sword into his back, only to have the afterimage of the shorter vanish into thin air. _An illusion_? Ichigo inquired. He looked up when he heard that condescending chuckle that was beginning to boil his blood. "You got fifteen seconds, Kurosaki Ichigo." He smirked.

Ichigo held a snarl in the back of his throat.

_I have enough for one more Black Moon Fang_! Ichigo clenched his teeth. _I need to find an opening on him somehow._ They stared each other down for five seconds until Komaru grinned and Ichigo flash stepped around him, leaving afterimages of himself behind. "Is this all you could think to do? Illusions?" Komaru blatantly laughed, and Ichigo couldn't help but think of how his laugh reminded him of his inner hollow. That loud, high-pitched cackle having him bleeding out the ears for days. "You really _are_ pathetic!" He cackled.

Komaru curled into himself like a ball, and abruptly released a huge amount of spiritual energy when he flung himself out, followed by another battle cry. Feral winds whirled in every possible direction.

"Black Moon Fang!" Another red and black crescent moon flared from his blade, colliding with the enraged winds, slicing through them. Komaru turned around, eyes bulging from the unexpected assail. He put his arms up in a futile effort to shield himself from the impact.

The crescent moon exploded upon impact leaving a cloud of smoke behind. He clenched his teeth when the burning of Ichigo's attack left red markings along his forearms, stinging and irritating his skin as it scorched painfully, but he ignored it. "Ha! Was that all you had?" Komaru taunted, grinning through the clearing smoke and flicked his wrist, manipulating the winds to blow the cloud of smoke away. He felt a brief moment of panic knot in his chest when he couldn't find Ichigo on the ground below or anywhere else. His spiritual pressure had completely disappeared.

"Ahhh!" Ichigo cried, coming down on top of the redhead, Zangetsu tingling in his hands from the satisfaction of wanting to cut him in half. Komaru couldn't move fast enough, his grin seemingly erased permanently from his features as his eyes grew even larger than before, watching his reflection in the stainless black daito that would end his existence.

The blade stopped. It was a mere centimeter from slicing him to pieces. Ichigo felt resistance around his wrist. "What the hell?" Ichigo exclaimed, turning to look over his shoulder. "Let go, damn —" his eyes grew as wide as dinner plates as he saw the redhead gripping his wrist, a smug look on his handsome face. "There are two of you?"

"Hmph," he answered dryly, and without a moment's hesitation he sheathed his sword into Ichigo's back, and the orange-haired shinigami let out a strangled cry. Ichigo turned back to the first Komaru standing in front of him, noting the cocky grin had returned to his countenance, tugging potently at his lips. Then Ichigo felt something impale into his abdomen before he bawled over and coughed up blood, all the color in his face paling.

He shakily looked down to see a blue light speared into his gut, and it wasn't until that light sank deeper and Ichigo coughed up more blood did he realized that it was Komaru's fist covered in pure reiatsu. "Sayonara, Kurosaki Ichigo." Both whispered dauntingly, and unceremoniously the second redhead ripped the blade from his innards.

"Ichigo!" Renji shouted. But before the orange-haired shinigami could respond he felt Komaru's hand open in his stomach and all he remembered afterwards was an explosion as it rang through his ears and ignited against his body, the blast sending him soaring into the air. "Bankai!" Renji bellowed, his reiatsu flaring madly. "Hihio Zabimaru!"

"Bankai," Byakuya's austere voice broke in. "Senbonzakura Kageyoshi." Then in the next instant a giant bamboo snake was created and a million little cherry blossoms fluttered and danced across the sky.

"Bankai! Daiguren Hyorinmaru!" Hitsugaya's reiatsu skyrocketed as the silver-haired Captain sprouted ice wings from his back, and a dragon's mouth on his right hand and iced dragon claws as feet. He slashed the air around him, a frozen dragon roaring from his Zanpakuto before flying towards the younger redheads.

The grinning Komaru used shunpo to flash step higher into the air above the oranget who was soaring lifelessly into the air. The second redheaded twin disappeared into the depths of the forest, opting to make his getaway.

Suddenly his leg began to glow a brilliant blue as he concentrated his reiatsu into it, and waited for the Substitute Shinigami to come into proximity and he smashed his leg, glowing with intense reiatsu, into his back, sending him shooting through Renji, Byakuya and Hitsugaya's bankai like a military missile.

Hitsugaya's dragon was shattered into little shards of ice. Zabimaru's snake form was obliterated into dust, and Byakuya's million cherry blossoms were disarrayed, and set ablaze from the power and velocity Ichigo was sent rocketing passed them. "Ichigo!" Renji screamed, drawling the last syllable as he crashed into the ground, leaving an enormous crater, bounced before breaking through four trees and finally skidding to a stop on his back.

"Ichigo!" Renji yelled, running back towards him, the others towed, save for Byakuya and Hitsugaya who shunpo beside the Substitute Shinigami.

Komaru cackled loudly. His laugh very closely resembling that of Shirosaki; Ichigo's darker half. "You're wasting your time…I'd be surprised if he isn't dead by now. But I have to give it to him. He did last until you all arrived." He laughed tauntingly.

Renji snarled. "I'm going to _fucking kill you_!" The older redhead growled, but it only seemed to cause the younger to laugh harder.

"Good luck with that." He grinned. "He already tried," he said, nodding towards the motionless orange haired man, "and you see the result of it. You wouldn't last any longer than he did." He taunted, flicking his tongue. He saw Renji clench his teeth and clutch his fist tightly around Zabimaru's hilt, and Komaru gave him a cocky smirk in return. "Instead of tensing up you might want to see if you can save him…I mean," he shrugged, "it's useless at this point, but you could always try, eh?"

Renji only stiffened more. "Chao for now…but I'll definitely be back. You still have something that I need. But I'll see you around, right?" He waited for a reply. "Well…maybe not him," he again nodded to Ichigo and heard Renji literally roar before laughing aloud again. "Sayonara." He smirked and then was gone in a flash.

Renji's reiatsu was consumed with rage as his nostrils flared and his hand clenched around Zabimaru so tightly that blood ran down his wrist. "Calm down, Abarai-kun," Ukitake said. "He was only trying to upset you."

"Well he did a damn good job at it." Renji snarled.

"Don't worry yourself about it. We'll get him, but right now we need to see if there is a chance that Kurosaki-kun will make it through this." He replied and Renji almost instantly relinquished his anger to see what he could do.

"You're right." Nanao lifted Ichigo's tattered frame and gasped when her hand was covered with blood and she saw the grotesqueness of his back. It was raw, completely skinned.

"He's still breathing…somewhat. His back could get infected easily, but before that could even happen he'd die from the loss of blood. If we don't hurry back now, it's very likely he's going to die in this condition." She surmised. Kyoraku, without a word, lifted the boy over his shoulder.

"Let's go then," he sighed and disappeared, the others towed. Renji turned to look at the crater Ichigo's body caused. It was absolutely mortifying. That on top of all the blood that's splattered against the ground, and in, and across the trees and bushes, penetration wounds and how severely and nasty his back was skinned, he knew it would be a miracle if he survived.

_Ichigo_, Renji thought. _Please…just _don't_ die…not before I get the chance to tell you…not before…_He heaved a dejected sigh. Then, in the blink of an eye, vanished.

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><p><strong>Okay so I had to do it this way. But bear with me. I don't like made up characters but "Komaru" needed to be here, but he won't be showing up for a long time. So, just bear with me for a second.<strong>

**AND TO THOSE WHO JUST WANTED TO KNOW: Komaru is a real Japanese name, and in Japanese it means, to be worried, or bothered, and Sho-rodaichi means Crying Earth, but it's actually sho-ro (crying) and daichi (earth). I just put the two together, sooo yeah…****J**

**~Reluctimist~**


	3. The B Word

**The "B" Word**

Ichigo had been in the care of Captain Unohana Retsu of the Fourth Division for over three hours. Rukia stood in the doorway looking nostalgically at the young Substitute Shinigami's inert form. She noted Unohana finishing her ministrations before the Captain turned to her.

"He should be waking soon," rang her solacing voice. "I'll give you some time alone." She allowed, sauntering towards the door and stopping beside Rukia in the doorway. "Make sure he doesn't thrash too much when he does wake, and if he's in too much pain there are pills at his bedside for him to take."

"Thank you." Rukia replied, reluctantly ambling to his side after the Fourth Squad Captain had dismissed herself. "…Ichigo," she whispered, running her fingers through his spiky locks. "You're such an idiot." She gazed intently at his sleeping form, her eyes glistening with concern. "Why would you run into battle alone?" She sighed.

She felt him stir, and her hand stilled. "Ichigo?" He elicited a groaned before cautiously cracking open an eye.

"Rukia," he rasped questioningly. He blinked his eyes open, squinting as he adjusted to the fluorescent yellow lights in the room. He lifted himself with her help. Unohana had managed to close the skin around his back, and tended to the other many internal injuries and bleeding.

"Rukia? Where —"

"You're in the Fourth Division's barrack." She answered before he could finish. "Nii-sama and the others brought you…you were in critical condition." She sulked, and her features turned angry briskly as she scolded him like a child. "You're such an idiot, Ichigo! They reported everything that happened. What in your right mind made you think you could apprehend him by yourself?" She smacked his leg, but regretted it when he let out a pained hiss.

"I don't know." He hissed as he moved to nurse the pain shooting through his leg, and now his arms for moving so quickly. "Damn it, Rukia."

"Sorry." She mumbled, deflating back into her sulking state. She carefully sat on the edge of the bed so she wouldn't agitate his injuries. She looked up at his pained face before diverting her eyes down into her hands that rested on her lap.

Ichigo looked at Rukia's melancholy expression after assuaging his leg and arms, and sighed. "Rukia…"

"You almost died…a second later and…" He felt terrible. He didn't know what he was thinking trying to take on someone that even _four_ Captains would have a hard time defeating on his own, especially considering how his spirit energy was already rapidly depleting, and he even went so far as entering his bankai. But she saw him near death plenty of times, why was she so — "You're already losing your spirit energy, a little every day, and you eventually won't be able to see me, or anyone ever again." She paused, breathing unevenly. "We don't need that time to come any sooner than it has to, Ichigo." She answered his unasked question, her eyes staring obstinately at her lap.

Ichigo opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it, deciding to look down into his own lap. _That kid was strong…unbelievably strong,_ he sighed to himself. _And I just charged after him as if things were the same as before…_He clenched his fist and gritted his teeth, "…as if I were the same as before." He thought aloud.

Rukia looked at him, puzzled. "Ichigo —"

"You're right, Rukia," he snarled behind his clenched teeth. "I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know why I haven't realized that things just aren't the same as they use to be, that _I'm_ not the same!" He squeezed his eyes tighter. "I'm just not as strong as I use to be anymore. I just can't accept the fact that one day I'm going to lose you," he looked up and met her anxious eyes, his own threatening to let tears fall as his fist gripped the bed sheets in an ironman-like grip. "…that I'm going to lose everyone; you, Yoruichi, Urahara, Kon, and…and _god_! _Renji_!" Rukia gasped as Ichigo's body began to shake as he sobbed softly.

Just the thought of never seeing Renji again commanded his heart to no longer beat. Three years was long enough, but to _never_ see him again and possibly forget him completely made him feel as though he was suffocating under _dry_ water, and it burned. He didn't know when or even how Rukia had managed to embrace him around his trembling body, but he settled back into the warmth of her solacing bosom.

"It's okay, Ichigo." She shushed, caressing him gingerly, stroking her hand through his hair. She probably shouldn't be embracing him so tightly, but she long knew of his infatuation with Renji. She knew of his yearning to just be around the redhead she had come to love as her brother, but Ichigo refused to let her tell the older Shinigami. She didn't like keeping secrets, but she had a secret she needed to tell Ichigo, but now definitely wasn't the right time.

"Calm down, Ichigo. Everything is going to be alright. I'm here…I'm right here." She cooed softly. "…I'm right here. I won't let you go." She whispered affectionately into his ear, and slowly his sobs placated into slight sniffles. She continued to comb her fingers through his hair and rock him gently.

They sat in silence for a while, only Ichigo's dying sniffles being heard, and Rukia's comforting cooing noises that she whispered into his ear. Five minutes turned into ten and ten minutes turned into thirty, until they were sitting in silence for almost an hour.

"Thanks." Ichigo said after a while, clearing his throat.

"Hm?" Rukia replied.

"You've always been there for me when I need you…Thank you, Rukia." He said, and he could hear the smile in her tone as she responded.

"Why wouldn't I be? You've always been there for me, too. You're as much as a brother to me as Renji." She said. "This is what sisters are for, right?" The spiky-haired shinigami chuckled, his shoulders shifting, and he winced after the sting of Rukia's embrace hit him. "Are you okay?" She asked as she moved away to examine him. He gave a stiff nod.

"Yeah. It was just all of your rocking finally took effect on my body." He smiled, and before she could retort, they heard the door sliding open.

"Pack your things, you're coming with me." It took them a minute to register what had happened, both donned with disorientation across their face.

"Renji." They said in unison. The redhead only grinned before stalking over to the berry and his sister.

"Get yer ass outta bed, Ichigo! You're comin' home wit me." The oranget only stared at him, bewilderment crossing his features.

"W-what?" was his intelligent inquiry.

"Renji, what are you talking about?" Rukia supplied for him. "Why would he need to be going home with you?"

"Y-yeah…that's what I meant." The berry sputtered, but somewhere in the back of his mind he was screaming at himself: _Shut up! Stop asking questions…I'd love too._

"Because," Renji started to explain, and again Ichigo could only stare at his lips moving up and down, and he wondered if they were soft to kiss like his hair was to touch, or if they were rough and passionate like his personality. _Probably both_, the younger thought. That'd be erotic; soft but rough, yet passionate all at once. He could just tell Renji would have his body on fire with those lips pressed anywhere against his flesh.

"Well, it's really up to you, Ichigo?" The young Shinigami blinked his astonishment. _What just happened_? He thought. _Shit! I spaced out again…I really need to stop doing that_.

"Umm…okay, sure…I guess." He answered hesitantly.

"…I'll be back in thirty minutes. Be ready when I get back, Ichigo." Renji said, his grin never leaving his face as he bound for the door.

"Huh?" Ichigo said intelligibly, but the redhead was already gone, the door closing behind him. He turned to Rukia. "What just happened?"

"You heard him…"she trailed, noting his avoiding eyes, and she sighed. "You weren't listening, were you?"

"I was just…I mean he's so —"

"I know, I know." She chanted, shaking her head, a smile adorned her thin lips. "What am I going to do with you?"

**X:~/~:X**

After thirty minutes of waiting for Renji, and then another thirty minutes of Ichigo piggybacking on Renji's back as he walked painfully slow to get to his house, Ichigo busied himself with his thoughts.

Ichigo was grateful that the redhead was moving slow and took his time. But he was having a hard time willing away his stiffening erection as each stride rubbed his thick member against the naked tribal marking on his back. The redhead's ass was literally within arm's reach, and Ichigo could feel himself sliding down to it until Renji would readjust him on his back every so often, causing him to whimper lightly.

Once they arrived at Renji's humble abode he felt relief wash over him. The older man gently placed him on the couch that sat in the middle of the room, and Ichigo shifted as best he could to shield his shameful semi-erectness.

"So, this is it." Renji beamed. "Make ya self at home for tha next week. Ya can either have tha couch or the second bedroom."

"I'll take the bed." Ichigo decided groggily as fatigue swiftly began consuming him. He still didn't know what he was doing at Renji's house, or why he had to stay for a week, but he guess he'd ask him later. "Wait! Where is my Zanpakuto?"

"I gotta go back 'n get it." Renji simply said, and Ichigo somewhat relaxed. "Ya need anything else?" Ichigo shook his head before yawning.

"Sleep." He replied, and before he could even close his eyes he felt himself being lifted, bridal-style. "Renji…what the hell are you doing?"

"Shut up." He retorted, carrying him off to the bedroom. "I'm sure ya don't wanna sleep on the couch. It's uncomfortable, believe me. I've been one of its victims." He smiled as he tucked the berry in.

_Why would he sleep on the couch when he has two bedrooms?_ Ichigo couldn't grasp his distant lover's purpose. _He is so fucking stupid…but he's a sexy stupid._ "It's 'bout 7pm now…I'll get dinner started 'n den come back in 'bout an hour ta give ya a bath."

Ichigo hummed his understanding before cradling deeper into the warmth of the covers. "Wait!" He shouted, tossing the thin fabrics aside and gasping when the movement was just a bit too quick for his body to handle and pain shot through him. He spoke through it. "What do you mean 'bath'?"

Renji scoffed. "Exactly that. Yer not goin' ta be in my house stinkin' up the place. I'm gonna give you a bath 'n an hour." He replied, walking towards the door. "Take it or get out." He smiled when he seen that Ichigo wasn't moving. "I doubt ya could move much in your condition, huh?" He laughed. "Ya got an hour," and he shut the door behind him, leaving a grumbling Kurosaki to re-tuck himself before getting comfortable and drifting into the bliss of his exhaustion.

**X:~/~:X**

Ichigo surprisingly felt extremely well rested, despite only given an hour of sleep. He had woken up calm and comfortable. Renji's room held a comforting air about it, and he hadn't been in too much pain._ God_! how he wished things had continued to stay that way.

Now, in his present predicament he was anything but calm or comfortable, instead the two feelings were replaced with a feeling of panic and he was fidgety. He stood completely naked in his friend's bathroom, keeping himself steady from the support of the wall. Warm water was filling the tube and his redheaded infatuation had gone to retrieve some towels and other bathing essentials from the closet.

The berry was desperately trying to get his hardening member to act to his will, but he was losing an epic battle of hormones and his own lewd imagination. _It's only a bath_, he tried to convince himself. '_I've taken baths before…just never with long lushes crimson hair draping over my shoulders…_and from there it was decided. _Fuck! I'm screwed._ He sighed dejectedly as he situated himself in the tube before turning off the water.

"Ya ready?" Renji intonated, his voice echoing off the walls as he tore the door open.

"What the hell do you have against knocking?" Ichigo glared, his nerves agitated from the redheads abruptness and he tried to shield he hardened member. The older shinigami just shrugged.

"It just ain't my style nowadays." He replied nonchalant. "What do you have against normal looking hair? Yers is orange."

Ichigo's eye twitched. _What…_? He thought. "Yours is red." The oranget retorted. He noticed that Renji's hair was still draping loosely around his shoulders and without the restraint of his hair tie, and the younger wondered if that was now his new look. Ichigo moved himself forward into the tube.

Renji grinned, and he placed the towels on the sink while placing all the other essentials on the side of the tube. "Jealous?" He sat on the shower bench behind the smaller shinigami and rolled up his sleeves. "It's all natural too." Ichigo scoffed.

"So is mine, jackass."

"Whatever." the younger man heard his smile, but he also detected a hint of uneasiness in his tone. _Uneasy…or lonely?_ But before he could speculate it any further he felt the redhead roughly fist and pull his hair.

"Ow! That fucking hurt asshole," he hissed. He waited for the keen remark he knew his tattooed friend had in store for him, but he had only gotten a soft chuckle as his response. Confusion swept over the bemused berry, perceiving the warmth of water slide down his body as he saw Renji glide a small white towel over his chest, and watched as many little soapy bubbles formed over his skin.

_What's gotten into him? We haven't had one argument since I came back to Soul Society._ He would never admit it aloud to anyone, or even to himself for that matter, but he actually enjoyed their subtle, and sometimes even heated, back and forth quarrelling. _This isn't like him at all._ He looked up into auburn eyes, noting that they were spaced out and untrained on anything, and that his hands seemed to be cleaning and moving almost automatically across his broad chest.

Renji's mind seemed elsewhere while his body took to doing its routine procedure on its own accord over Ichigo's body. His faced was scrunched in concentration, his features beholding an earnest expression. _He looks…older…mature even. Has he really changed this much in three years? I mean, it has been a while, but he seemed to have transformed into this totally…different person now that I look at him._ Then he thought of Rukia who he concluded hadn't changed much at all. _What's up with him?_

"What?"

"Huh?" The spiky headed Shinigami murmured, blinking from his train of thoughts, disoriented. "What'd you say?"

"Ya were staring. What's wrong?" Ichigo looked away, reluctant before he shook his head.

"It's nothing." Renji hummed thoughtfully.

"Yer lying. But it's okay, I'll let slide fer now."

They fell into an unperceived silence as both men were enticed with their own thoughts, Renji's hands still toiling on automatic pilot over Ichigo's skin. It was a surprise that Renji's home was so peaceful, but then again it wasn't surprising at all. He used to be loud and obnoxious, but this new side of him seemed tamed and…well tranquil. But one thought really pestered Ichigo's mind.

"Renji," he started, feeling cool water being poured over his head, and he closed his eyes and spluttered the water from his lips as it washed away the suds from his porcelain skin.

"What is it?" Renji goaded, wringing the towel dry over his head a second time, his lips tugging into a small smile as he watched the berry's instinctive reaction to close his eyes and splutter the water from his lips. His once spiky hair was now matted against the back of his neck and forehead.

"Why did you want me to stay here…with you?" It was silent for a while, and Ichigo discerned Renji reach for the shampoo bottle he'd placed on the side of the tube. He felt the cold liquid spread through his hair and around his scalp. It smelled like cinnamon and he figured that it was what Renji used for his own cinnamon scented hair.

"Because, I'm the reason you ended up like this." He answered as he fingered and worked the shampoo through his hair. Ichigo tried to reassure him that it wasn't his fault, but Renji continued talking. "I was the one who begged Captain-Commander Yamamoto to call on you, knowing things would be dangerous for you with you losing your spirit powers and all, and I was the one who left you to face him alone," he brooded.

"No —"

"So when I asked Captain Unohana if there was anything I could do to help you," he paused, his voice held so much moroseness to it, but it sounded as though he were trying to smile through whatever pain he was endeavoring to keep at bay. He washed the shampoo out of his hair, and then poured in the conditioner that smelled of sweet raspberries. "…She said it would take you a couple of days until you were back to normal, and that you didn't have to stay there, so I asked, since that was the case, if you could stay here with me…" he trailed, gently massaging his scalp, "…and she said that there was no reason why you couldn't, as long as someone came by and check on you every now and again. Then she gave me some pills that you have to take…which reminds me…you have to take them after we're done."

"Only a couple days?" He asked, and Renji nodded, although Ichigo couldn't see the action. His eyes were closed, preventing the conditioner from burning his eyes and robbing him of his sight. But of course the oranget didn't miss the change in his grammar, but he opted to forget about it. "…So why'd you say a week?" He leaned further into the older man's analeptic touches as he continued to run his fingers through his hair.

The older shrugged, but again Ichigo was unable to note the action. "I haven't seen you in three years, Ichigo. Maybe I just wanted to spend some time…maybe?" He washed out the conditioner. "Is that okay?"

"Whatever," Ichigo said impassive, earning a scoff from the older shinigami.

"So much for me being nice," he smiled, and Ichigo chuckled. "Alright, we're done." He reached for the towel atop the sink and proceeded to work the coarse fabric through the flaccid orange locks, soaked and dripping raspberry cinnamon scented water droplets.

The now unsullied Shinigami opened his mouth to speak but closed it when he heard the familiar rocking of the front door being slid open and feet dragging lackadaisically across the wooden floor. Silently he wondered why Renji hadn't been more alert about the intruder, he was sure the redhead heard it, or at least felt the new energy that appeared. Ichigo's face turned up into a glower and he reached out his reiatsu to see if he could determine who this intruder was that just humbly waltz through Renji's front door.

Ichigo had an attentive look on his face. He knew this person. He's felt this reiatsu before, but he couldn't place who it belonged too. It was steadied, controlled…and felt weak, as if the person just had a long day of training. The loss of so much of his spirit energy was really doing a number on him. The reiatsu felt so familiar, but he just couldn't place it with whomever it belonged too.

The orange-haired man hadn't conceived that Renji's motions had also stilled as he listened to wearisome feet lag across the hard wood floor. He reached out to the person and smiled. Ichigo felt Renji's reiatsu suddenly become excited. It was practically pouring from his pores. The redhead was ecstatic and filled with impetuosity, and when Ichigo turned around and seen his full on grin he was shocked to say the least.

"He's back." Renji murmured, returning to his task, kneading the towel through Ichigo's wet and tangled head of hair.

"He? Who is 'he'?" The taller man chuckled throatily and he looked down at the strawberry, staring directly into sienna orbs.

"'He', is my boyfriend," and Renji watched as Ichigo's eyes bulged from their sockets.


	4. Rejection Twice Removed

**Rejection Twice Removed**

_"He? Who is 'he'?" The taller man chuckled throatily and he looked down at the strawberry, staring directly into sienna orbs. _

_"'He', is my boyfriend," and Renji watched as Ichigo's eyes bulged from their sockets._

**X:~/~:X**

Ichigo's eyes bulged from their sockets, and he concluded that his heart had skipped way too many beats to still be beating. His mouth hung open like a fish on a fishermen's line. The blood in his face felt like it had completely drained as he began to feel lightheaded.

Renji frowned at his predictable reaction. "W-wh-what?" Ichigo sputtered.

"He's my boyfriend." Renji repeated, the overwhelming joy in his reiatsu having dissolved considerably.

"Wh-who…Who is that in there?" As soon as the question fell from his lips there was a knock on the door.

"C'mon." Renji called out, and Ichigo watch in horrified anticipation as the figure behind the door slowly, painfully, pushed the door open, and whatever remaining fluids in his body that kept his mind forming coherent sentences, syllables, had cleansed from his person.

Shock wasn't the word that could describe this unbelievable feeling that overtook him in its suffocating embrace. Horror came close to describing the painful ache in his heart, but it wasn't strong enough. Lost, more or less summed up this dreading sharp sting in his chest. He was lost; at a loss for words, air, and comprehension.

"B-Bya-kuya." Ichigo whispered, his throat hoarse with disbelief. It couldn't be him. It isn't him. It can't be the Sixth Division's Captain standing before him right now. His eyes were playing tricks. Losing his spiritual powers must _really_ be doing a number on him, _a lot_ sooner than he'd like.

"Kurosaki Ichigo," came his velvety voice, and the youngest shinigami gasped rigidly. _That voice…this can't be true. _He turned stiffly to look at him with those same unruly broadened eyes. There he was, Kuchiki Byakuya, but he just couldn't believe it

_…it's a joke._ He tried convincing himself, and the more he told it to himself the more he believed it until he released the breath he hadn't before known he'd been holding this entire time, the color returning to his flawlessly porcelain face.

"This is a joke, right?" Ichigo turned to Renji with a smirk. He watched as Renji's frown deepened, but he ignored it. "It was a good one. I actually believed it for a second." He heard Byakuya hum wistfully, and Renji turned to look at him as if communicating an unasked question.

"He thinks we're not together." He told the stoic man. Byakuya looked to the orange-head, unflappable, noting the boy staring at him in turn.

"I don't have time to contrive jokes in my spare time. What he tells you is true, believe it if you wish." His eyes lingered on the orange haired shinigami short while, reading his incomprehensible visage, and then he looked to his mate, perceiving his mournful countenance as the redhead's gaze burned into the floor, and silently he walked over to him. He lifted his head with his finger by his chin, looking him deadpanned in the eyes, calculating before he placed a chaste kiss on his lips. Ichigo watched as Renji's sagging face turned into a small smile. "That's too filthy an expression for such a beautiful face." Byakuya endeared before placing another chaste kiss on his lips.

Ichigo gasped for air. Byakuya not only kissed him once, but twice, and Renji allowed both openly and even smiled the first time. This is surreal. _What the hell did I just witness?...Can things can't get any more confusing at this point…_

"I'm going to eat and then finish some of my work." The source of Ichigo's confusion educed, talking to his tattooed infatuation. "Call me if I'm needed." He said and placed yet another kiss on those supple lips he dreamed about. Renji nodded before his mate dismissed himself.

Renji turned to his friend, seeing him gasping and choking on the air he was supposed to be inhaling. "Ichigo, calm down." He patted him on the back, but the oranget was starting hyperventilate. "Ichigo!" No response. "Ichigo!" He grounded and smacked him across the face, briefly grasping the boy's attention. "Breathe, damn it!" He growled, scolding his stubbornness to even breathe and not kill himself.

The younger took deep and slow breaths, Renji waiting patiently until his collected himself. "Oh my god." Ichigo breathed, his eyes still broadened as they shifted aimlessly from one object to another, undecided on what he wanted to focus on. But he knew it had to be anything but Renji, but the boy was the most interesting in the room, especially now.

"Ichigo…calm down," Renji said lowly. "…please," his voice was so dejected, as if he'd just faced rejection, and Ichigo stopped. He had never heard his pineapple say please before, not to him anyways. _What the fuck had been going on for those three years?_ He thought Rukia had been keeping him posted, but apparently more was happening then she even knew, or noticed, but he willed himself to settle down for his friend's plea.

"Renji," Ichigo started once he was able to think subtly. His voice was still shaky with hurt, but he was working through it. "Can we get out of here?" He asked, unevenly.

The tribally marked shinigami looked around as if he just remembered they were still in his bathroom, and Ichigo was still naked in his tube filled with water that he was certain was cold by now. "Oh, yeah." He said before getting up and then helping Ichigo out of the tube and grabbing another towel to wrap around his waist.

**X:~/~:X**

Ichigo sat silently at the head of the bed, fully dressed in nightly garments Renji had let him burrow to sleep comfortably in. He sat alone, the only source of light being a few small candles on the nightstand and around the room on the dresser and desk in the corner. His zanpakuto was leaning against the side of the desk.

He stared distractedly into his lap, his mind churning a mile a minute. He had been fantasizing and dreaming that one day the redhead would be his lover, only to find out that he was dreaming of a taken man; taken by Kuchiki Byakuya no less.

So he sat alone in his room for the week, contemplating, scrutinizing, wishing, and dreading for some happy ending that he knew wouldn't come for him. When shinigami loved each other, that love seemed to carry on forever considering how long they live in the Soul Society. And Ichigo knew they loved each other, or at least Renji loved Byakuya, because with a single kiss, his spirits were lifted, not to mention how excited he got when the man only walked through the door.

Ichigo concluded that he'd die old and alone. _I still can't believe this…if I had known he was…if I had a sign that he was _that_ way, _my_ way I would've been told him…but now, now I…I don't even know if I should even be here right now. This is confusing…and now every time I see him I think of…_

"Byakuya." Ichigo looked up and saw Renji holding a plate and a glass of water as he used his feet to push open the already ajar door and close it. "…thought that you might be hungry."

"Yeah." Ichigo said absently as he looked back down into his lap.

"Huh?" Renji stopped and looked at him, frowning from the expression he saw. It looked like confusion mixed with regret, pain and rejection. His eyes were untamed on the sheets that covered his lap whilst they spaced out into another universe, and his shoulders were slumped over in a defeated fashion. The redhead sighed.

"It's nothing…I was only thinking aloud." His best friend answered monotone. His voice was a tone that Renji couldn't quite place. It was sorrowful without a doubt, and it seemed to hold a little anger twinge in it somewhere, but there was also something else, something lost in the creases of his own pain.

"I'm sorry, Ichigo." He said softly, apologetic. He placed the water and plate on the nightstand before opening the drawer and taking out a bottle. He unscrewed the cap and shook out two capsules. He placed them atop the nightstand as well. "Make sure you take these —"

"Don't tell me what I have to do!" The younger one snapped. He cut his head up at Renji so swiftly a sharp pain shot through the back of his neck. He glowered menacingly at the redhead. He actually didn't know why he was angry. He really didn't know. He didn't want to be, but he felt he should, or rather he had to be upset. Probably because he waited so long for him, but now someone else has what should be his.

Renji was startled by his outburst, flinching back slightly when he saw the fire blazing intensely in his eyes. They were red and glossy as if he'd been crying, or was on his way down that road, and the flame surrounding the candles didn't make him look any saner. "All this time I wasted!" Ichigo was beginning to shout, and Renji hadn't know if his friend noticed it or not, but those words pained him more than he allowed himself to show.

Instead of responding, Renji walked over to the dresser and put out the candle with his fingers, his body moving around numbly, his eyes downcast as Ichigo continued to lament his anger. "Who the hell do you think you are, huh? After everything…"

"Be sure to drink the water…"

"Why would you do this to me? You're so…" Renji walked over to the dresser and put out the candle. They were talking over each other. Only hearing fragments of the others words before they cut in with their own. Renji tried to remain calm as Ichigo was shouting at this point.

"You should eat something before you take the pills…"

"What have I done to you, Renji? Why me of all people. I'm damn sure you knew how I would feel about this. When have I ever hurt you like this?" Renji stopped at the door, staring down at his feet, willing the tears that were threatening to fall to recede as he balled his fist tightly to his side. Ichigo seemed like he was finished because all he could hear was his heavy breathing behind him. Renji took a second to recompose himself as much as he could before speaking again.

"If you don't eat all of it —"

"I don't _fucking want_ _it_!" Ichigo bellowed as loud as possible, and the next thing Renji heard was a loud thump against the floor and a sound that reminded him of shattering glass. He didn't need to turn around; he had already known what happened. He had already known that Ichigo tossed the plate of food against the floor in his tirade.

Ichigo noted Renji shaking visibly as his anger refused to alleviate, even after his lamenting invective. His nostrils flared and his breathing was laborious. Then the redhead turned around and all the rage pent inside of the younger shinigami washed away as he stared into glossy, caramel eyes, quivering under the weight of his emotions…or was it Ichigo's emotions that made them quiver under the pain sentiment of his outburst? Tremors were beginning to wreck the beautiful body standing before him, but Renji refused to let tears fall. He knew he was trying his damnedest to keep from falling to pieces and exploding.

"Renji," Ichigo called softly. "I'm —" the boy assumed that something inside his friend had snapped because he exploded in the next instant.

"I'm fucking sorry, alright!" He yelled, and his tears began to fall from the fuel of his rage. "Ichigo I'm sorry I hurt you! I'm sorry I did this to you! I'm sorry it had to be that you cared so damn much!"

"Renji —"

"I'm just so fucking sorry that I am who I am!" Ichigo's heart stopped. _Why would he say something like that?_ He thought. "I'm sorry that I'm gay and not the friend you thought I was." Ichigo's eyes widened. _What? What the hell is he talking about? What does that have to do with anything?_ "And you know something else? You did everything! You are the reason I am this way! You're the reason I'm gay, because before I met you I actually liked Rangiku's breast, but now I don't even want to look at them!" Ichigo's eyes widened further. _Is he saying…_ "You wanted to know what you've ever done to me, then that's it…that's what the fuck you did to me, _Ichigo_! You made me this way!"

He couldn't fathom it. That feeling of being lost was overtaking him again. He couldn't think of a word to say, he couldn't even think of his own name. The sight of Renji just as he was only moments ago was terrifying; his nostrils flared and his eyes harboring a flame that could easily be taken as pure hatred.

Renji tried recollecting himself. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Ichigo willing himself to remember how to speak and form understandable sentences while Renji took deep wholesome breaths to pacify his internal battle.

Once his wrath was unfolded and his seething had ceased, Renji looked to the floor and his face skewed into a scowl at the food wasted. He took another deep breath before he grumbled and turned back to the closed door.

"…Renji," Ichigo called in one last desperate attempt to apologize, but was silenced when the redhead put his hand up and shook his head.

"Don't say anything." Renji replied, his voice still holding some sort of anger but for the most part was soft, nearly a whisper, and he walked out.

Ichigo was left musing over his stupidity. _What the fuck is wrong with me!_ He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes, ignoring how much it hurt. _Why did I just go and blow up like that? _Then he heard the door creak open and he dropped his hands from his eyes.

He saw the inked Shinigami walk in with a clean towel and a garbage bag and he stilled, watching as he moved over to the mess on floor and drop to his knees beside the bed before cleaning it up. "I…sorry about that," the oranget said, and got a grunt in reply.

"It's fine." Renji growled, a scowl on his face as he continued his ministrations.

Silence fell between them again.

"Look, Renji —" the redhead stopped and huffed, as if fed up with the young shinigami.

"Just _don't _say _anything_, alright?"

Ichigo sighed. He deserved Renji's anger. He deserved all of it, and he knew he did. But he really wanted to talk about what happened. "I want to talk about this." Ichigo said, scowling. If Renji didn't want to talk about it then he didn't have to, he could listen. "You don't have to say anything, just listen."

"God!" He shouted lifting to his knees, glaring at the boy. "Why are you so stubborn? Just leave it alone!"

"No! I won't leave it alone!" Ichigo shot back a glare equal in intensity. The older groaned before shaking his head and going back to cleaning up Ichigo's mess. "Look, I'm sorry I blew up like that… I didn't mean to. I don't know what happened."

"Yeah, okay." Renji rolled his eyes.

"I'm serious. I didn't. And you being gay," he heard the redhead growl. "I don't care about that either." Renji stopped. He looked up at the berry. "I don't care, Renji. Not at all." The tattooed male hummed and turned back to the mess, finishing up and tying the end of the bag.

Ichigo stopped and watched as he stood, and they locked eyes. After a while Ichigo noted the small smile tugging on his lips, and then he turned and started for the door.

"Wait." Again he was silenced when Renji put his hand up.

"We'll talk about the rest tomorrow." He said.

"But you and Byakuya…When? How?" Ichigo asked, anxious, questioning himself if he actually wanted to know before concluding, yes, he did want to know. He needed to know.

Renji turned around, a smile spreading across his face.

"We'll talk tomorrow morning…I promise, okay?" Ichigo hesitated but eventually nodded. He really wanted to know now, but he guessed he put Renji through enough for one night. "Na take the damn pills before I shove 'em down yer throat." Ichigo was taken aback by his terrible grammar and the smile bloomed acros his face.

Renji turned and walked out, Ichigo looking at the closed door. He grabbed the glass from the nightstand and the pills, swallowing them easily when he guzzled the water down. He put the empty glass back on the dresser before pinching out the small flame by his bedside and settling comfortably under the sheets.

_…Amazing._ Ichigo thought as he tried to think of words to describe the redhead. Despite everything he had shouted out at him and attacked him with he managed to smile in the end. Then his next thought bared a heavy burden. The weight so intense it hurt to think of the answer. _Could I ever be what he needs? Do I deserve someone like him?…_Ichigo stayed up wondering, wishing…praying that the answer wasn't what he felt it was.

**X:~/~:X**

"I'm guessing you heard?"

Byakuya looked up from his paperwork at his mate standing in the doorway of his study, fidgeting. "I did. You were both rather animate." He looked back down at his work, writing mysterious kanji symbols here and there. "I'm assuming everything is settled now?"

"Not exactly." The redhead moved further into the room. "Why'd you let me do this to myself?" Byakuya's obsidian eyes stared calculatingly into maroon colored spheres. He stopped the motions of his brush against the paper and put it down, beckoning him over. Renji moved over to him and behind his desk. Byakuya pulled up another chair and the man sat down, and the older turned to him.

Renji felt the cold touch of his hand over his own warm flesh and it sent a shiver through his body as Byakuya took his hands into his own, and looking directly into his eyes. "If you can't take him being here, I'll gladly send him away." Renji shook his head.

"No. I need to know…I need to know if I still love him. I don't want to keep wandering 'what if', or regret anything."

"I understand…you are strong Abarai." Renji smiled. As long as they've been together he still couldn't get his Captain to call him by his first name. _At least he doesn't put any prefixes behind it anymore_. "You'll get through it…and if you can't, then I'll make him go, with or without your consent."

"I know," Renji whispered, looking down at his mates hands covering his, and marveling at how perfectly they fit together. Byakuya kissed his lips before sitting back in his chair. Renji stood up, knowing Byakuya was about to get back to his work. He placed the chair back wherever it went before walking towards the door and stopping midway.

"Are you coming to bed?" He asked, already knowing the answer.

"Shortly. I need to finish the last packet." The redhead wasn't surprised. Every time his Captain attained a large stack of paperwork to complete he'd always try to finish as much as possible, and get it all out of the way sooner than later. It was no surprise, and it didn't upset him because it just meant that they'd spend more time together when he finished with it. But right now he needed to be held and comforted. He refused to admit how much it hurt when he put his work ahead of him, but he understood. He had no choice but to understand. He was his mate, but he was also still the Captain of an entire division.

Renji wouldn't ask him to shirk the duties he had to fulfill for everyone else because of him. What needs to be, done needs to be done, and he had to live with that. "Okay. Don't be up too late." Byakuya hummed, but Renji already knew he wouldn't be coming to bed tonight and that he'd be gone before he got up in the morning…but it was okay, at least he had to feign as though it was and convince himself of that lie.

The redhead started for the door again. "Abarai," he heard him call, and stopped, but never turned around. "If I ever see a look like that on your face again because of him, I can't promise that he will remain intact long enough for you to discover what it is you're trying to discover." Renji smiled as he waited a few moments in the doorway in silence.

"Come to bed," he said softly.

"Shortly." Renji chuckled. He figured he'd give it another shot, again already knowing the answer. He walked out the door and cut the corner to his and Byakuya's room. He changed into sleeping garments and climbed into his bed as thoughts plagued his mind, preventing him from getting a wink of sleep.

He stared motionlessly out the window into the night sky. _Another lonely night with my boyfriend. _He scoffed at the thought. _How moronic. _He allowed a sigh to press pass his lips and he closed his eyes. He figured he'd try to sleep, knowing it wouldn't happen tonight just as it hadn't the night before, or before then.

His life seemed to be routine as he suffered through yet another sleepless night.


	5. Wailing in Misery

**Wailing in Misery**

The door whined as it was being slid open. Ichigo was tempted to turn a deaf ear to the visitor and remain under the darkness his covers provided. He hadn't slept all night, too preoccupied with juggling the far too confusing thoughts that pestered and plagued his mind.

"Ichigo," resounded a thick and wearisome intonate. "Are ya awake?" The berry groaned his response. He perceived the soft pitter-patter of feet approaching him. "Get up, Ichi." The voice cooed softly.

The younger groaned again before tossing the covers aside and rolling over. Obviously ignoring him wasn't going to happen. Ichigo opened his tired hazel eyes, and was met by equally arid brown spheres. His eyes broadened slightly as he took in and absorbed the dark rings under Renji's eyes. He could safely assume that his friend had slept in days.

"Ren…" he tarried, his eyes veered from the dark chocolate orbs, instead tracing the hand that held out a small cup. He took it, sitting up as quickly as he possibly could without wasting the liquid or hurting himself before he opted to casually rest his back against the headboard, his eyes once again gazing and tracing over Renji's features.

Ichigo watched him intently, his own exhaustion forgotten in regards for the man before him, tracing his every movement when the older decided to sit on the edge of his bed. "How'd ya sleep," he suddenly asked, and Ichigo blinked his eyes multiple times before he remembered reality, and almost immediately his calculative countenance dissolved from his visage.

"Oh, uh…I slept okay," he lied, endeavoring to bring a little animation from behind the lifelessness of his eyes, hoping Renji hadn't already detected his obvious lack of luster as well, exhaustion and confusing abrading his strength.

The older shinigami gave him an incredulous look, causing the oranget to avert his eyes from him. "Yer a terrible liar." He smiled meekly, and Ichigo turned back to him just in time to notice the strength it took from him to pull off that smile…strength Ichigo knew he no longer had, and the younger frowned. "I can clearly see the bags under yer eyes," he chuckled. Renji had already distinguished the evident concern quivering the orange-haired man's eyes, but he chose to ignore it. "The pills were supposed ta have eased yer pain so that ya could sleep better."

Ichigo scoffed before rolling his eyes. "Yeah, well…they did a hell of a job."

"Were you in pain?" Renji frowned as he asked softly.

"…something like that," the berry answered, his voice divulging his eminent desolation as he stared down into his lap. "What about you?" He asked, not allowing his own discontent to bear heavily in the air for too long. "Did you sleep well?" The answer was perceptible from what he could see.

Even though it was apparent that the redhead slept no better than Ichigo himself, he stilled nodded, giving another weak smile. "Like a baby." The berry snorted.

"You're so transparent," and Renji deflated, his smile instantly being seized by the frown that formed across his lips as his eyes fell to Ichigo's lap. "Hey…don't worry —"

"You should drink yer tea." He exhorted. Ichigo looked down into the steaming cup in his hands, finally realizing the substance inside, and just how hot it was. He quickly placed it on the nightstand before the effects of the heat scorched his skin. When he turned back around he noted Renji with another smile affixed to his face and staring directly at him. "Now…ya had questions, right?"

"Oh…uh, yeah." Ichigo found himself answering dumbly.

"Alright, den lay 'em on me. What's first?" Ichigo guessed he really didn't want to talk about his obvious sleepless patterns. He decided not to press it any further for now.

"Okay…" he dawdled, reaching over to grab the handle to his cup of tea before blowing lightly and taking a sip of the hot liquid, using the momentary distraction to formulate how he wanted to start his questionnaire. He felt the hot fluids burn down his throat, leaving a satisfying feeling on his tongue and teeth. "…I guess," he commenced once content, "the best first question would be…how? How did this happen between you two?" He asked, neglecting the sharp splintering in his heart.

Renji adjusted himself on the bed, shifting so he was now sitting on the bed instead of the edge. "Well, a little while afta da whole —"

"Renji please," Ichigo cut in. "Use proper grammar, okay? It's all already confusing as it is. I don't need to be any more confused when you're explaining it."

"Uh…oh, yeah." He cleared his throat. "A little while after the Winter War with Aizen and his Espada's there was a new crisis that panned out, fast. After the battle with Aizen, Soul Society was in turmoil as we tried to find peace in the defeat of one of the worst battle's we had ever had to face. But the Garganta's that Captain Kurotsuchi managed to open when Aizen trapped us in Hueco Mundo was flawed," he paused, and Ichigo took the advantage to take another sip of his tea. "You should take your pills while you're drinking it. I'll fix you something to eat after we're done."

The berry just nodded as he waved him to continue and he took another sip before reaching for his medicine in the drawer beside him. "...well, although Captain Kurotsuchi was able to get us all out, when Aizen was defeated they began to involuntarily reopen. Captain Kurotsuchi analyzed it and said something about the Hogyoku gathering its powers from the desires of those around him, and before it was destroyed it felt Aizen's one true desire." Ichigo listened intently, so intrigued that he had nearly forgotten what Renji was trying to explain to him.

_Him and Byakuya_. He reminded himself. But he couldn't believe how much he'd missed in his absence. He couldn't be too surprised though. Rukia had told him all this before, but he was still a little excited and apprehensive to hear Renji's side of the story. So he sat and listened to the old news, hanging on every word as if it was his first time hearing it.

"Aizen's one true desire was not to be alone, and that he yearned for someone to understand him and his ideals for the world…or so according to Captain Kurotsuchi. But he said that the Hogyoku heard and granted that desire, tearing open the Garganta's that were created back in Hueco Mundo, revealing that the only creatures that could possibly comprehend Aizen's perverse loneliness were the monsters he created and left behind to die…all of them. All of his failed and discarded experiments rose from the gates of hell and flooded throughout the Soul Society and the Human world." He paused again. "Then began the Abysmal War…"

_The human world?_ Ichigo inquired to himself. _I hadn't felt any hollows with extremely powerful spirit pressure surface in the human world_. "The weaker ones fled to the human world to fed on the souls that were left behind, while the stronger ones, the more bloodthirsty ones rioted through Soul Society, desperately trying to get strong enough to where if they devoured enough souls they could become as powerful as the Espada he first controlled, but this time there were hundreds of them…_hundreds_."

Things were so intense. He berated himself for not being able to help his friends in their time of need, but seeing as though they were all still very much alive, he set aside some of his guilt aside and took another sip of his tea to try and calm his nervous, having already swallowed the pills. "Most weren't as strong as the Espada's that came before them though, but some were…stronger even, and of course they were the worst ones; filled with the rage of abandonment and isolation, suffering as just another failed experiment, and on top of it all, they were bloodthirsty fiends searching for any soul to devour; be it man, woman, child or infant. As long as the soul had some form of spiritual energy they would feed on them until there was nothing left."

Silently Ichigo wondered how the hell he and Byakuya found each other through all of this chaos… _He's taking a hell of a long time to get to the point_. He thought. "But one day as an organized clan of about twenty or thirty surrounded the outskirts of the Seireitei, having picked up on the tremendous amount of spiritual pressure, every member of every squad was forced into battle."

"Renji…you're not really answering —"

"Shut up and be patience. I was _just_ gettin' to that," he smiled, but this one didn't seemed forced Ichigo had noticed. _He must be gaining some of his strength back already._ But then his countenance twisted into anger as Renji placed himself back in the position of his reminiscences. "Rukia, just so happened to have been fighting one of those creatures, this one levels beyond the Espada from before. It would've finished her had Byakuya not stepped in, but even still…he was struggling to fight it off as well…it would've—would've killed him too had I not moved into the way when I did." He was grinning this time, so big that it looked like it hurt.

He lifted up his shirt, revealing the discolored scar that ran vertically across his abdomen and Ichigo's eyes widened, nearly dropping his half empty cup of tea in his bed before catching it in his grasp again. It wasn't a huge scar. It was perhaps the length of the palm of someone's hand.

"Its hand went straight through me, and the last thing I remembered from that wave of experiments was Rukia's screams ringing in my ear. And an echo of my name fading out, and then everything felt heavy and then it was dark." He was still grinning. Why? This was nothing to be happy about. "Till this day I still don't know how they killed it." He shrugged. "I guess it really doesn't matter now."

"So you two are together because you saved his life?" He inquired, his eyes glued to the permanent gash over the redhead's once flawless skin. That was a pathetic excuse in Ichigo's opinion. _How many times have I saved Renji's life? Too many damn times to count…_He huffed irritably to himself.

"I wished it was that easy," he laughed. "No. Not at all." He pulled his shirt down. "It wasn't because I saved his life, but because I sacrificed mine." Ichigo's misunderstanding shone through his bewildered expression. "I know…it doesn't really make sense. It didn't when he told me at first either. But we're digressing. Let me get back to the story." He again cleared his throat. "This war between them lasted six months with occasional waves of them trying to infiltrate Seireitei, or any number of us going out to hunt them down. It was exhausting.

"But after it was all over, and Captain Kurotsuchi had managed to close the Garganta's they crawled out from. The very next day Byakuya summoned me to his office. He commended my sacrifice for him and Rukia, but also said it was my duty and not to expect a 'thank you' in return," he chuckled with a smirk. "But said that he appreciated my comradeship…I really don't see da difference from that 'n a damn 'thank you', but apparently he did," he shrugged. "Whatever."

"Rukia had told me later on that he had needed to repay his debt to me, because of his pride and shit like that." Ichigo snorted lightly when he saw Renji roll his eyes before shaking his head. "Anyways…so for the next three months I worked under him immensely. Every task he needed to be done he had given to me, every errand, big or small, he'd given to me."

Ichigo looked at him even more perplexed than before, a brow lifted. "He paid you back by working you to death?"

The redhead laughed, loudly. "That's what it seemed like to me too, and I hated it. But I had ta bite my tongue, clench my teeth and bear it, which I did. To endure it I just pretended it was some exclusive trainin' session…But also, in those three months, late at night he would ask me to walk with him through the forest of cherry blossoms and camellias, and we'd just…talk." He again laughed out loud. "I was nervous as shit at first," he grinned. "I thought he was gonna try ta cut me or somethin'."

The younger man was beginning to notice the slip ups in his grammar, and realized that Renji only reverted back to his bad habit when he was laughing, happy or excited. It was actually comforting in a way that made his heart smile, a small smile finding its way across his lips.

"But he didn't." He was still smiling as he continued to tell his tale. "Eventually though, those enjoyable walks and talks became more frequent and my workload was coming in less and less." His smile receded, but Ichigo knew it wasn't actually gone, just lost in the memories of the past as he relished in the remembrance. His eyes shifted to Ichigo's lap once again.

"Then the more we talked the deeper our conversations went…he never really revealed much of himself except things about his family's name, honor and pride, and some things he felt about Rukia, and why he was willing to let her die all those years ago." He stopped. "…and I told him about my life and my childhood in Inzuri," the immediate detachment worried the oranget. He knew it was always difficult for Renji to talk about his past.

Ichigo decided not to say anything, but instead allowed him to continue when he was ready. They sat in the stilled atmosphere for a few minutes until the redhead had recollected himself enough. "I felt that we were really connecting." Renji looked up from Ichigo's lap, choosing to look into russet eyes. "And obviously he did too, because he even asked me to join the Kuchiki family."

The berry's eyes bulged from his head. "What the fuck…?"

The tattooed shinigami laughed. "But I didn't accept it," and Ichigo omitted a suffocating breath he had known as trapped behind his chest. "I couldn't." Silence claimed the air once again, only the motions of their chest heaving as indication that both men were still breathing. "But we kept going out for our walks, and as more and more was uncovered in our talks I started to notice a change in myself…I noticed that it was becoming easier and easier to talk to him about everything, even if he didn't say much…he would listen and give comfort, surprisingly," he smiled meekly, "when I needed it most, and then as time went on and the more time we spent together I started to notice that I was developing feelings for him, and they were just getting stronger and stronger." He admitted.

Ichigo perilously tried to ignore the painful ache piercing his heart. He tried to smile at his tattooed friend who offered him a smile of his own, but he failed and gave up. "And he felt the same," Renji proceeded, "because he admitted that our meetings were beginning to turn into more of a date to him, and I couldn't have agreed more…and from there…well I'll spare you the details." Ichigo's eyes were dulled. "…but from there we were…together…" Renji opened his mouth to say something but decided against it. "…Rukia knew," he opted to say anyways.

Ichigo's body completely numbed. _Rukia knew_. He repeated to himself. _Rukia knew…but she didn't…tell me. Rukia…Rukia…_He growled to himself, a fire boiling and erupting inside him, but his enragement wasn't shone across his features, instead he offered to feign a smile.

"Oh…wow…" he was at a loss for words. "…that's interesting."

"Yeah." Renji looked away from him. _What is he embarrassed for?_ Ichigo growled to himself, still sitting with his fabricated smile in place. "So…" The redhead turned back to him, tentative. "Any other questions?"

"How long have you been together?" He asked without reluctance.

Renji had seemed to be pondering over the inquiry, mumbling to himself time periods and dates. "Well the Winter War was over with three years ago, and it was two months after Aizen was defeated that his experiments came," he said under his breath. "And it was six months until they were defeated and another three months." He seemed to be doing the math in his head before answering, "a little over two years…I think."

Ichigo's breath hitched. _Damn! Two years?_ His smile slipped from his face before he quickly tried to replace it. He failed. Renji noticed.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, of course." Ichigo lied, and again Renji saw through his lie but this time opted not to say anything. "So are you happy?"

The older man looked slightly taken aback, but nodded anyways. "Yes. I can't really complain, but things could be better."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, Byakuya and I are together, but he's still a Captain and still have to adhere to his duties as one, even if that means putting me on hold for them for a little while."

"He…he puts his _job_ before you?" Ichigo growled involuntarily, somewhat surprised. _I'm not really that surprised. It's Byakuya after all…but…_

"It's not a big deal, Ichigo. I mean, I'm still his lieutenant and I understand. He can't put everyone on hold on the account of me."

"I would." Ichigo said absently. He saw Renji's surprised visage. "I mean...what I meant was…you're a good friend so…you know?"

The redhead grinned. "Yeah." Ichigo scowled.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing." He laughed. "Are ya done?" Renji asked, nodding to the cup in his hand. Ichigo looked down, noting that he still had half a cup of it left, but it was cold. The redhead took it without receiving an answer and got up. "Is there anything else?"

Ichigo shook his head and watched him leave. "Wait! Renji…" the older turned around.

"Yeah?" Ichigo's eyes were downcast and then abruptly he looked up at him, maple spheres blazing.

"You said yesterday…that I'm the reason why you're…" Renji's eyes widened, already knowing where this was going. "How? How am I the reason?" Although slightly disheveled he easily detected the tinge of hope that intertwined with the inquiry.

Renji noted Ichigo's eyes were ablaze, determination leaking from those gorgeous orbs that he used to dream about. It was the same determination that the tangerine held in his eyes when he first came to Soul Society to rescue Rukia, when he fought with a purpose for someone he loved, and when he first stole his heart way back when he wasn't losing his spiritual powers and he wasn't fading from him every minute of his life.

Renji willed himself to smile, turning around to face the door, his head bowed to his chest. "Renji, wait." He heard Ichigo call out before he chuckled lowly in his chest.

"Because…you were the first to steal my heart." He said thickly, laughing again at just how gay he sounded. He didn't hear Ichigo say anything, or even breathe. He couldn't even sense the berry, his reiatsu silent, but he didn't dare turn to face him. Instead he just said what had always been on his mind, what had always been in his heart but he never had the courage to say; or the determination that his lost lover possessed, that he again witnessed in all his selflessness, and purpose.

"Because…" his voice trembled, and he reached for the door. "…I loved you." He only hesitated in the room for a moment longer to give him a chance to respond before he opened the door and disappeared behind it, closing it softly.

Ichigo couldn't feel anything. All his senses were dead…all of them. Darkness shrouded everything in his person. His eyes were wide but they saw nothing. His ears heard everything, yet they heard nothing at all. He couldn't smell the sweet cinnamon raspberry scent of Renji lingering in the room any longer, as if he hadn't been there at all. He couldn't taste the green tea on his tongue, as if he hadn't had any at all. And he couldn't feel.

He couldn't feel the stabbing ache in his heart that made him want to double over and lament his misery. He couldn't feel his heart palpitating against his chest, trying to escape the pain that was too much to bear. He couldn't feel the coldness that enveloped his entire body, and he couldn't feel the burning tears that streamed from his bleeding eyes that were glossed red.

It was as if his soul that was already ripped from his body was being torn to pieces. He didn't understand what he was supposed to be doing in this insufferable darkness, and he couldn't think; the ability had left him along with everything else that left out the door with the redhead.

His soul responded the only way it knew how, by wailing in its own misery.


	6. Hold Me Again

**Hold Me Again**

The house was in the dead of silence. Renji had prepared breakfast for the younger. He had come into the room and seen Ichigo lay on his side, eyes wide and a bleeding red color, and his heart wrenched at the sight. He didn't know exactly why Ichigo was crying, but it hurt him to see that pained and defeated look in his eyes. He had quickly placed the plate on the nightstand and left out.

He took a shower and dressed at an extremely slow pace, his mind void of any thoughts, and his heart deadened from the look in the tangerine's eyes. His body went through the routine necessities while his mind blanked out completely. After he finished he had sat at his kitchen table, drinking sake while trying to deliberate all that happened, but it was useless, his mind had refused to clear of the darkness that filled it.

Renji's body was moving mechanically the entire morning, not hearing a sound resonant from Ichigo's room. The only way he knew the boy was still alive was the very faint reiatsu he felt emanating from him.

_He's shocked._ His mind finally willed him to deliberate, but before he could get too deep into his own thoughts there was a knock at the front door. He moved to answer it. He opened it, his eyes nullified from any emotions or interest in whoever it was.

"A-A-Abarai-san?" Renji recognized the stuttering boy as Yamada Hanataro. Renji continued to stare at him impassively, waiting for him to speak. "I-I'm here for Ichigo-kun's t-t-treatment." The redhead looked detached entirely, but moved aside to let him in without a word. Hanataro scurried in nervously, ducking under his arm.

"Uh…Abarai-san? Where is he?" He asked when he didn't see him. He turned around; noting the taller shinigami close the door and walk passed him, not uttering a word. Hanataro just stood quietly in a jittery stupor as he saw him disappear down the hall and into a room without knocking. Hanataro noted that the living room he was standing in was dark, the shutters undrawn to let in the sun outside, but he didn't think too much of it.

Renji left the door ajar behind him, his heart beating against his chest as he approached the boy. "Kurosaki-kun." He didn't know why he was using such formalities. _What the hell is wrong with me?_ He detested. "Ichigo," he cooed softly before he stood beside his bed, his voice hoarse. He looked down at the boy, his eyes closed, and his chest heaving softly.

He was thankful that Ichigo's eyes were closed. He couldn't stand to look at the pain he saw in them only a few hours before. He was also thankful that the orange-haired man was asleep. It made things a lot easier. He meticulously picked him up, bridal-style, making sure he didn't wake him. Then he moved towards the door, closing it behind him as he bounded towards Hanataro.

Hanataro stepped back when Renji approached him and allowed the redhead to situate the sleeping boy across the couch. Then Renji moved back, permitting the medic shinigami to commence his ministrations. He watched as Hanataro motioned over to the couch before falling to his knees. The young medic's hand began to glow green before gliding over Ichigo's body.

Renji watched as Ichigo's face contorted in and out of pain, groaning as he felt his muscles being stretched under his skin and bones shifting slightly, small tendons and tissues being replaced rapidly. Renji continued to stare at the expressions he made, saddening himself further by discerning the pain looks on his face, reminding him of those shiftless mahogany eyes he had seen hours ago. He noted Ichigo's eyes opening and his breath hitched in his chest.

Ichigo's soft honeyed eyes stared blankly at him before looking down at Hanataro looming over him. "Hanataro?" He intonated thickly, trying to sit up. Hanataro made a noise in the back the back of his throat.

"No, don't move, Kurosaki-kun." His shrill voice commanded. Ichigo looked down at him, propped up on his elbows until he felt a heavy hand pressing against his chest and he looked up at the beautiful face it belonged to.

"Lay down," Renji edict. His voice was dense, like he hadn't spoken in days. Reluctantly, the oranget fell back onto his back, allowing Hanataro to administer whatever healing power he was using.

Renji moved back, his eyes now focusing on Hanataro's glowing hands now that Ichigo was staring so intently at him. He wasn't ready to look at those pain induced eyes. He still hadn't known why Ichigo was so hurt, but all that mattered was that he was hurt and he wasn't ready to look at him.

Ten minutes passed like this, until Hanataro finally finished and stood up. "Okay, I'm done." He said. Ichigo jumped up, or tried, but grunted painfully before settling back down. Renji jumped reflexively towards him to help him lie back down. His body didn't hurt as much, but it still held a terrible ache.

"Hanataro," Ichigo grunted, and said boy flinched at the tone.

"Y-yes?"

"Why does my body still hurt?" He groaned.

"Um…we-well b-because I couldn't heal you…completely…yet." He sputtered.

"And why the hell not?" Ichigo growled, glowering at him.

"B-because… C-C-Captain Unohana in-informed me that I s-shouldn't. S-she said that all of your bones aren't aligned, or…an-and your muscles weren't developed enough to heal you… completely…yet." He answered.

"What?" The oranget growled, and Hanataro flinched again. "Isn't that what you're here for?"

"If he heals you while your bones and muscles aren't aligned or developed enough, and fixes them like that, then they're going to stay that way." Renji explained for the frightened shinigami. He didn't look at the orange-haired man the entire time, looking everywhere but in his direction.

Hanataro nodded. "An-and then I'll have to break your bones…" he said, looking away," and I'm not strong enough, or good with that. I'd probably shatter them by mistake…and that would take a lot longer, Kurosaki-kun."

Ichigo continued to scowl him, but eventually deflated and accepting things as they were. "B-but, I'll be back tomorrow," Hanataro chimed tentatively, looking at the tangerine "…then I should be able to. C-Captain Unohana healed you a lot herself when you first got hurt, so it shouldn't take much more." Ichigo smirked and nodded.

"Thanks," he said. "Sorry about that. I just hate laying here. I'm ready to get up and go, you know?" The berry noticed the apparent frown on Renji's face deepen from his comment, but he made no effort to correct himself.

"Yes, I understand." Hanataro nodded, smiling, oblivious to everything. "But maybe tomorrow you'll be able to leave," and Ichigo gave a smile of his own. "Well I should get going." Hanataro said, and started to move towards the door, moving around Renji's larger frame. "Abarai-san…Kurosaki-kun…" he acknowledged. "I'll see you both tomorrow." Then he slid open the door.

"H-hello, Kuchiki-chan." Hanataro greeted, bowing to the young female shinigami. "Look who I found," he yelled back at the two shinigami before moving aside to reveal Rukia. Renji stiffen for reasons he didn't know. Ichigo scowled at her.

She was just about to knock when Hanataro opened the door. "Hello, Yamada-san." She replied, bowing before walking passed him and into her brother's abode. She turned back to him. "Is Ichigo doing okay?"

He nodded. "Yes. I was just about to go report it to Captain Unohana." Rukia hummed her reply and nodded, watching as he bounded out the door, shutting it behind him. Rukia turned back to her two friends, immediately feeling the tension in the room, but she said nothing, instead she moved over to hug Renji as a greeting.

"Hey, Rukia." He said, wrapping his strong arms around her small waist. She pulled away from him and watched as he folded his arms over his chest, closing himself off.

"Why are you making that ugly face?" She scowled, but didn't get an answer. She moved over to Ichigo on the couch and carefully hugged him as well, but the younger didn't reciprocate the endearment. She pulled away from him. "So you're not going to hug me?" She scolded him too, but he didn't answer either.

She moved away from the couch and stood in between the two of them. She looked back and forth. _Obviously something went wrong between these two._ She concluded. She sauntered over to the window. "Why is it so dark in here," she drew the shutters, permitting the sun's light to illuminate the room.

She didn't get an answer. She was beginning to get upset. "One of you better say something." She growled and waited for something to happen.

"Ren—" Ichigo started to say.

"I need to step out for a little while," Renji said, moving towards the door. He turned to Rukia, his eyes pleading with her. Ichigo caught it. "Rukia, do you mind staying a while until I get back?" She was hesitant. She looked at Ichigo's scowling face and then back to her brother.

"Yeah, sure." She finally said, and he disappeared behind the door. Ichigo growled. That was the second time he had just left him behind. Rukia turned to the berry. "What's going on, Ichigo?" His scowl deepened as he turned to her.

"As if you don't _already_ know," he said darkly. He gauged her puzzled expression.

"What are you talking about?" Ichigo tried to lift himself on his elbows, and Rukia helped him, noticing him struggling to do so. She helped him sit up and moved him so his back rested against the arm of the couch, and she decided to sit in the now open space on the other end.

Ichigo continued to glower, but after a while he gave up and sighed heavily, abating his anger. He looked down at the floor, and it was silent for about ten seconds, and Ichigo released another demurred breath. "…he told me that…he use to…to love me," he finally said, and heard Rukia gasp, obviously aware of what the words meant. Then he turned to look at her and whispered, "…why didn't you tell me…about _them_, Rukia?" Her eyes faltered and she stared at the floor, and when she spoke it was below a whisper.

"I wanted to…I really did...but…"

**X:~/~:X**

Renji flashed stepped rapidly. He wasn't able to stand there for much longer with Ichigo staring at him, or Rukia's scrutinizing eyes that were trying to reach into his soul and interrogate him. Now he was berating himself for telling Ichigo anything.

_You idiot! Why would you tell him?_ He reprimanded himself. _It was all so pointless telling him, especially since…_" He didn't want to think about Ichigo losing his powers and forgetting about him as if he never existed. _He's just going to forget about you anyways._ He fought the ache that attacked his body. He fought the tears that were threatening yet again to spill over.

He closed his eyes to prevent them from falling, running blindly. That's how his life felt since he met the tangerine. He opened his eyes, and stray tears started rolling down his cheeks. It felt like he was running blindly in a world full of obstacles that he would keep tripping over, not knowing where he was going to end up until he finally stopped. Not knowing what lied ahead for him until he finally tripped over the last obstacle and just lied there. Ichigo losing his powers and forgetting about him was the last obstacle he could take, and he lied there on the ground, not even trying to get back up.

Then someone came along and helped him stand on his feet again. It was the last person he ever expected, but his Captain, and now mate, helped him get back onto his feet, and helped opened his eyes so that he no longer blindly ran astray. Renji hadn't told Ichigo, but during his and Byakuya's walks in the forest of cherry blossoms he would sometimes talk to him about his infatuation with the orange-haired man.

Byakuya helped his realize that now that Ichigo was losing his spiritual powers him and Ichigo wouldn't have much of a future. Those were the comforting moments when he needed someone most and Byakuya was there, listening, and sometimes even holding him when his sobs broke out into whimsical yells, tremors wrecking his body because he'd be crying so hard.

He closed his eyes again, running, and when he was finally tired of running, he opened them. His breath hitched in his chest when he realized where he had aimlessly ended up. He looked up at the symbol of the Sixth Division's barracks. He had once again found Byakuya when he needed someone most. He had once again come to the man that loved him, even knowing of his deep feelings for his friend.

Renji wiped the tears from his face, and ceased his sniffles before walking passed the gate and onto the grounds he was so familiar with. He ambled passed through the throng of shinigami that offered him a perpetual greeting and bowing. He quickly addressed them amiably, feigning a smile until he came upon his Captain's office door.

"Hello, Abarai-san," one of Renji's subordinates said, and bowed. Renji bowed in acknowledgement.

"Hey. Is Captain Kuchiki in his office?" Renji asked.

"Yes," he nodded. "I believe he should be. But if you'll excuse me."

The redhead nodded. "Thanks," he said and moved aside to let him by, and the tattooed man turned back to the door.

"Come in, Abarai-san," he heard Byakuya's phlegmatic voice resound before he could even knock, and he slid it open, walking in and closing it behind him. He noted his mate attending to paperwork as usual, his head bowed as he swiped the brush across the paper.

"I told you to call me by my first name." Renji said. "…And you even added the honorific."

The lethargic man hummed. "When we are in the barracks I will address you formally, and you will do the same." He replied, his eyes never leaving his work. Renji already knew, he'd told him before, but he'd use anything as a deferment from what was really bothering him. Renji grumbled distressed. "What's troubling you?"

The redhead shook his head, choosing to look out the window instead. "It's nothing." Renji turned back to him when he no longer heard the brush swiping across the paper, and in turn Byakuya's bleak ebony eyes were staring directly at him. He knew he was lying and he put down his brush.

"Is this because of that boy?" Byakuya asked darkly, his eyes narrowing slightly. Renji shook his head.

"N-no," he said quickly, lying. "It's not." In an instant Byakuya was standing before him, his finger under his chin, studying his face silently before he gazed into Renji's glassy eyes, red tinting the corners of his eyes.

"Who, or what else could possibly make you cry?" He asked knowingly. Nothing. Nothing else could make him cry. He had never cried over anything else except Ichigo. His childhood was tough, tougher than tough, but he didn't cry, he endured it and came out a stronger person. But Ichigo has been the only reason he's ever cried.

The indifferent Captain watched glossy mahogany eyes quiver as they began to tear up again, and felt Renji's arms wrap around him tightly and his head pressed against his chest, closing his eyes to still the tears on the brims of his eyes. "I need you." Renji whispered. "Things are getting harder to handle on my own." Byakuya wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer to him.

"Very well…I'll make sure he leaves," the stoic man said smoothly, resting his head atop Renji's. "I'll make sure you never have to see him again." He heard the redhead's breath hitch, and felt him push away from him.

"No!" He said franticly. "Don't do that." He begged before pulling himself closer into the warmth of Byakuya's bosom, laying his head against his chest and wrapping his arms around him again. Renji felt the other man's arms constrict around him and his head rest upon his once again. "I just need…" he trailed, his voice a little above a whisper. "I just need you to hold me…I need you to hold me like you use to." He pressed himself closer to him. "I just need you to hold me again."

Silence fell between them until Byakuya hummed. "Very well…" he whispered, closing his eyes as he pulled his mate closer to him.

**X:~/~:X**

Ichigo and Rukia were still discussing matters. Rukia explaining why she couldn't tell Ichigo about Renji and Byakuya's relationship because Renji asked her not to, just as Ichigo asked her not to tell Renji of his infatuation with the redhead. As the conversation went deeper, Ichigo also found out that Rukia knew that Renji loved him for quite some time.

"I couldn't believe you didn't see it at first, it was so obvious. So I assumed you just didn't _want_ to see it. And then you told me about your love for Renji and I had no choice but to believe that you were really _that_ clueless to everything, Kurosaki," and she had shaken her head, and that followed with Ichigo shouting a string of curse words.

"So," Rukia began. "Are you going to tell him about how you feel now?" She watched as his eyes looked away and out the window she had opened earlier.

"No." He deadpanned. "It wouldn't make a difference anyways," the berry said imperturbable. "He's just going to disappear like the rest of you in a short while anyways." He tried to sound uncaring but it was proving to be a harder bout than he presumed. "And then he'll eventually be a forgotten memory…" his voice trembled, "…like everyone else."

"I know." Rukia said softly. "But still," she piped up, causing the tangerine to turn back to her. "Don't you think he deserves to know before you leave us?" She tried not to convict her imminent sorrow. Ichigo's eventual departure was hard for nearly everyone to deal with. "You can easily put his mind at ease, Ichigo."

Ichigo didn't answer her. Instead he chose to look back out the window, allowing the quietness to engulf the air for a few minutes. "Is that all you haven't told me?" He turned back to her. "Is there anyone else here that's with someone I know?"

Rukia couldn't quite determine if the slight anger in his tone was real or not, but she thought about the question, and realized that there indeed was some she hadn't told him about. "Yes there is. I don't believe I told you about Kira and Matsumoto-san, have I?" Ichigo gave her the weirdest look he could pull off.

"No…"He breathed out. "Are you serious? Those two?" She only nodded her head.

"Yeah. They were both a shoulder to cry on when Ichimaru Gin died after the war. But it's recent, maybe six months ago." Silently Ichigo wondered if everyone in Soul Society found their companions through just comforting them.

"Anyone else?" He tried not to growl out, clenching his teeth, and she looked up thoughtfully.

"Oh! Shuuhei and Yumichika-san are also together." Ichigo felt terror crawl up his spine. "Yumichika-san was by Shuuhei-san's side nearly every moment after Kaname Tousen's death, and I suppose something just flourished between them." It was unanimous in Ichigo's mind. _Everyone finds someone by going through some shit first and then someone else comes along and comforts them…_

Ichigo dug the heel of his hands into his eyes, allowing his head to fall back as he leaned against the arm of the couch. "Are you really telling me that everyone has someone, but I couldn't possibly have the one person in this world that I want? …I'm going to die alone." He said. That was never a problem for him until he met and fell head over heels in love with the redhead.

"Well technically, Renji's dead already, so…" she trailed, noting Ichigo digging his hands harder into his eyes, "…I don't know how that changes anything, but…well you have me." She said reassuringly. The orange-haired shinigami looked down at her. "You always have, and always will… even when you lose your powers. I'll be watching over you." She said. "God knows someone needs to."

Ichigo smiled. "Yeah. I guess we have each other, huh?" Rukia offered him a smile of her own before crawling over to him and embracing him against her petite frame.

"Always."

**X:~/~:X**

Renji didn't get back home until late that night. He moved towards Ichigo's room, but stopped at the door, staring at the mahogany wooden frame before he knocked timidly and opened it.

"Ichi—" he cut himself off when he peeked his head through the opening and saw him sleeping soundly. He quietly closed the door, and sighed. "It's for the best," he reminded himself. He languidly walked to his own room before heading to the bathroom and taking a bath.

He was glad Ichigo was sleep, figuring that his last sleepless night was taking its toll on his body. Renji was beyond exhausted, but there was just too much on his mind for him to sleep, or even think about going to sleep. His mind wheeled haphazardly; more so around the man in the next room, and some thoughts were centered on his emotionally challenged boyfriend.

His mind still troubled him on trying to figure out why Ichigo looked so pained by his confession. Was it too soon after realizing he was gay? Maybe it was the overflow of information he had explained. He didn't know, but all he wanted to do now was lay back, close his eyes and clear his head.

Twenty minutes later, and the front door opened. Renji opened his eyes but didn't bother to move out of the tube when Byakuya walked through the door, he just closed his eyes again and tried his hardest to relax and clear his mind. He wondered if Byakuya was really going to give up on his work for him like he promised. He was never one to break a promise, but he was also never one to dismiss his duties either.

Renji hummed thoughtfully, sinking deeper into tube and closed his eyes, meditating. He stayed in the water for another ten minutes before deciding to get out. He wrapped one of the bathroom towels around his waist and walked out to his shared bedroom, passing by Byakuya's study, noting the man drawing on his papers.

"Abarai," he called without looking up from his work.

"Yes?" The redhead stopped and turned into the doorway.

"Have you —" Byakuya stopped himself as he looked up at the redhead, his bare chest disclosed to him, water sliding over his chiseled abs and other muscles. The only means of concealment being the towel around his waist, and Byakuya glowered at the piece of fabric, but it was hardly noticeable under his already hooded eyes.

The Captain couldn't deny the twitch he felt in his nether regions. Renji had asked that they didn't…relieve themselves with each other since that boy was under his roof. But he didn't exactly say it in such a rude manner. The older cleared his throat.

"Have things been discussed between you and Kurosaki?" He gauged his mate as his disposition tensed slightly and he shook his head. "I see," then he turned his attention back to his work. "I'll speak with him."

Renji lingered in the doorway for a little while longer before turning and heading to his room. He changed into some night garments, deciding to go without a shirt and a tight-fitted hakama, his hair falling over his shoulders and exposed chest. He turned out the room and down the hall to stand in the doorway of Byakuya's study.

Byakuya was intently immersed in his work, head bowed while he maneuvered the brush over random documents and other white sheets. "Yes?" The Captain asked without looking up. Renji fidgeted with the door frame, looking innocently at the man.

"Are you coming to bed?" His voice was naïve, almost childlike. Unlike before, he had no idea what he would say, but he hoped it wasn't the same answer he received the night before.

"Shortly," came that same dry reply he'd received every night for the past three nights, and now it was the fourth. Renji looked down at his bare feet, his heart hurting more than he could perceive. He turned away.

"…okay," he said, his voice was below a whisper.

Byakuya looked up at his back, sensing the sudden feeling of abandonment in his reiatsu, and his always uncompassionate eyes opened wide. "Renji…" he breathed, the name seemed new against his lips.

The man stopped in the doorway. "Yes?" He inquired, however it sounded more like an answer than a question, as if he were answering Byakuya's perception.

The stoic shinigami didn't speak, instead he stared speculatively. "…come to bed." Renji said softly, knowingly. Byakuya continued to stare, until finally he answered.

"…shortly," he whispered.

Renji smiled a sad smile before walking away. Byakuya stared at his back as he left; now staring at the unoccupied space at his door. He turned back down to his work.

The redhead crawled into bed and slipped under the covers, staring out into the night sky. He was convinced that his life was indeed routine, nothing changed no matter how much he begged it to. It was his destiny to suffer in loneliness and heartbreak, and for the first time ever, he cried for someone other than Ichigo, someone who was long overdue for his tears. He cried for himself.

These tears were so foreign to him that they blackened everything around him. He didn't notice the bedroom door open, or the other reiatsu in the room with him, or the shifting at the foot of the bed, or the fingers that ran through his hair and tied the loose locks into its usual ponytail, all he heard was his own solitude drumming against his heart.

Then he felt an arm wrap around his shaking body, but he couldn't stop his cries to care. "…I'm sorry," he heard a deep silky voice say vehemently. Once he cried his last tear ten minutes later he was just a sniffling ball as he curled against the warm body behind him. And once his mind cleared enough he felt the familiar reiatsu surround, and caress him.

"I don't ever want you to feel such seclusion because of my mistakes." Renji sobbed, another tear rolling down his cheek. Byakuya pulled him closer and buried his nose in the crook of his neck before softly kissing the heated flesh. Renji said nothing. "I'm sorry…we're hurting you."

Byakuya didn't get a reply. He felt the younger trembling in his arms before his cries started again. He didn't say anything. He only held him and let him cry, waiting silently and patiently until minutes turned to hours and he had finally cried himself to sleep in his arms as he had many times before.

Byakuya pulled him flush against his body and placed a kiss atop his head. "You are not alone. As long as I can still take in breath, you will never be alone." He kissed his head again before sighing complacently. He finally felt contentment in Renji's reiatsu…a feeling he hadn't felt from his mate in a long time.


	7. A Word of Advice

**A Word of Advice**

Ichigo had awakened early the next morning, idly sitting in his room, his back against the headboard as he twiddled his sheets between his fingers. He allowed his rampant thoughts to run madly, finding that it was easier to let them come to him than trying to stop every thought and analyze its meaning.

Renji hadn't come to his room all morning, and somewhere in the back of his mind he was happy, but also worried. He knew he wasn't ready to face the redhead just yet. He wouldn't know the first thing to say to him. The entire conversation would turn belligerent and their friendship would go to hell. Every time Ichigo came across a conversation and he didn't know what to say he found himself saying some snide remark, and this wasn't the time for that.

But the morning had come and gone and he was left bedridden. The only way he managed to make it to his room before Renji came back last night was because of Rukia. _Ugh! I hate this. What the hell am I supposed to do?_ He glared. _To hell with this, I am not going to be stuck in this bed._

Ichigo's head snapped up when he heard a knock on the front door. _Where is Renji?_ When the knock came a minute later he assumed that he'd have to answer it. _All the more reason to get the hell out of this bed._ He shifted himself carefully so that his legs dangled over the edge of the bed and he slid off, landing on his feet and catching himself on the edge of the bed before he toppled over.

He scrunched his face as pain shot up his legs and he groaned. _Alright. That's step one. Step two: walk._ He pushed off the bed and tried to stand, groaning before he fell over, stumbling until his side collided with the walk and he let out an agonizing moan. He took a few steady breaths and pushed off the wall when he heard another knock resound.

He used the wall to guide him towards the door, his steps hesitant and unbalanced. He slid open the door to his room and grabbed the door frame as support. He stopped to catch his breath. _Damn this is exhausting, _but he pressed on, finding security in the walls as they guided him down the hall and to the door. He pulled it open, nearly falling over from fatigue as he was hunched over, breathing heavily.

"Kurosaki-kun!" Hanataro exulted anxiously, his eyes growing with anxiety as he watched the orange-haired shinigami doubled over before him. "A-are you o-okay?"

Ichigo looked up at the timid boy, offering him a smile. "Never better," he breathed. His hand clutched the doorframe and he tried to compose himself. "Last day…right?" He asked through his shallow breaths, discerning the boy nod stiffly, staring wide eyed at him as if he were a foreign object. "Alright…help me…to the couch."

"Oh! Yes!" The boy moved franticly as he allowed Ichigo's arm to fall limp over his shoulder and he carried him to the couch before laying him down. Hanataro cleared his throat nervously. "A-are you re-ready?"

"Whenever you are." Ichigo answered and again Hanataro gave him a stiff nod before falling to his knees and attending to his ministrations. Ichigo sighed allayed, and he let his body relax completely under the boy's fingers and closed his eyes.

"Wh…where is Abarai-san?" He heard Hanataro asked before cracking open an eye and looking down at him. He wondered why Hanataro was so nervous. It's not like he was going to attack him. _Maybe because Byakuya lives he too._ Ichigo thought. He closed his eye.

"You know…you don't have to be nervous." The berry said as he recomposed himself. He heard Hanataro make a sound in the back of his throat before humming and he felt the healing power intensify around his body. "I don't know where he is," he answered before groaning, his fractured bones closing and his muscles expanding in his arms and legs.

Hanataro worked in silence.

Ichigo felt his strength returning to him as every muscle contracted, and every bruise disappeared. He remained silent as the medic shinigami exhibited his teachings over his body. He felt rejuvenated, and while he had the quietness in the room he decided to reach out his reiatsu to find the redhead.

It didn't take him long to find him. Ichigo picked up his faint reiatsu. It was calm and undisturbed by grieve or any emotion the berry felt reverberate from the man since he'd been there. Ichigo sensed him in the next room, asleep. _I guess it's for the best_. He thought. _It hadn't looked like he had any sleep in a long time_, and he sighed.

Ichigo screamed impromptus when he felt a bone in his back shift back into place, crackling loudly, his back arching into the air as he shut his eyes tighter. He tried to muffle his screams as he settled down onto the couch.

Hanataro flinched, his eyes quivering. The substitute shinigami frightened him with his unexpected cry of pain. When Ichigo calmed himself, his shaking hands resumed to recover his bruised body. After another ten minutes had gone by Hanataro rose from his knees.

"O-okay, Kuro-saki-kun." He stuttered.

Ichigo opened his eyes.

"Try…to stand now." Hanataro looked him in his eyes when Ichigo turned to look up at him, but the healer looked away quickly.

Ichigo tested the result and shifted to stand, surprised at how easy and painless it was. He stood up and felt the blood rushing through his body and he stretched his arms and legs to limber up before he cracked his neck and twisted his back and hearing it pop. There was definitely a difference than when he struggled with his body to answer Hanataro's feeble knocks.

The taller man sighed in contentment. His body felt completely refreshed; not an ache in his muscles. "Thanks, Hanataro. I feel a hell of a lot better." He smiled. Hanataro smiled in return and gave him a nod.

"Good. But I have to go now." Hanataro said motioning towards the door and stopped when his hand cuffed around the handle and he turned back to face the still stretching berry. "Are you going to be okay without Abarai-san, Kurosaki-kun?"

"Hm?" Ichigo halted his limbering to wave him off. "Yeah, yeah. I'll be fine. You go ahead." He didn't notice the smile spread across the boy's face before he departed, continuing to work his muscles.

"Okay," Ichigo began, talking to himself once he finished exercising. He turned, sensing Renji's reiatsu spark suddenly before drawing back. _Hm._ Ichigo moved in the direction of his friend's serene reiatsu until he was confronted with the already open door. He noted a ball of covers curled in the middle of the bed and a crimson ponytail.

_Back to the basics, huh?_ The young substitute shinigami smirked. He, as meticulously as possible, walked over to the sleeping shinigami. He smiled at his peaceful form before brushing a stray strand of hair from his face. _He's beautiful_. He thought, frowning the instant after it entered his mind…_and he's taken_. He reminded.

He turned to Renji's closet before stalking over and opening it, disclosing a plethora of lieutenant kimonos. Ichigo grinned before snatching one. _I'm sure he won't mind if I borrow this…especially since mine is tethered and torn to pieces. _He closed the closet and turned back to Renji, and his grin faded from his lips. He sighed to himself and took the kimono and walked out.

He grabbed what necessities he need to take a bath from the closet in the hall before heading to the bathroom. It took him twenty minutes to wash up, get to his room, dry off and dress in the kimono he stole from Renji's closet.

He moved out the room, feeling Renji still sleeping soundly in his bed before he bounded for the front door, sliding it open before closing it behind him.

**X:~/~:X**

It had been a while since Ichigo walked the habitual walkways of Seireitei, but he had nearly forgotten his way around the place. He uttered affable greetings to recognizable people and to others he didn't exactly remember.

Ambling up and down random paths for about fifteen minutes just enjoying the frequent evening breezes wafting over his face he finally figured he'd found somewhere to sit and relax before heading back to Renji's. He yielded in the middle of the walkway and looked to his left before looking to his right.

Everywhere he looked buildings laid in ruins. Then images began coming back to him of Komaru tearing through everything and everyone in search of whatever it was he wanted.

"That bastard," he snarled and balled his fist at his side as he glared at the debris that surrounded him. Then memories of his mocking grin and that loud cackling laugh that pierced through his ears inundated his mind, causing a growl to vibrate in his chest.

"Once the reconstruction teams finish in the West Wing they're to immediately start repairing the South Wing." Ichigo turned around and saw the Tenth Division Captain, Hitsugaya Toshiro and his lieutenant, Matsumoto Rangiku approaching him.

"Hitsugaya…Matsumoto…what are you doing here?"

"We have strict orders to search the Daireishokairuo. Yamamoto-sama believes that whatever Komaru is looking for is in there somewhere." Matsumoto said, her captain moving ahead, passing by the orange-haired man.

"The Spirit Library?" Ichigo questioned. "What could possibly be in there that he wants…he's like, ten."

"A seal." Ichigo turned to face the silver haired Captain, noting his teal eyes focused on him from his peripheral. "He wouldn't go into much detail," he turned back to the rubble, "but Yamamoto-sama said that he was looking for a seal…or something to break his seal."

Ichigo's eyes widened slightly. "His seal? What seal?"

"We don't know," he turned back to Matsumoto. "But we've been going to the Great Spirit Library every day since our last encounter with him." Ichigo hummed earnestly before his eyes shifted to his feet. "Hm? Well now that you know why we're here…what are you doing in this area? Shouldn't you be with Captain Unohana?"

Ichigo's gaze fell upon her and her scowling face. "Uh, no…I'm with Renji now," he looked back down and heard her make a questioning sound and he look up at her lifted eyebrows and small smile. "…Um, no I meant…that I'm staying with Renji." He watched as her smile wavered and she noticeably deflated.

"Oh…" was all she said.

"…And I was just taking a walk since he was still asleep." She again looked at him as if she wanted to ask something.

"So you're feeling better?" The small Captain asked, his question being more of a statement, and both shinigami's shifted to look at him. His back was still turned to them, as he again looked out his peripheral. He turned his attention forward before suggesting, "…Matsumoto." She answered him with a hum. "You and Kurosaki should take this opportunity and go somewhere and relax. I'll handle things for today."

"Captain…I think it would be best if we both —"

"I'm actually telling you that you _deserve_ a break," he stared out his side view. "And you know how rare _that_ is…so go take a break for now, and I'll inform you of any new information."

"Once, twice was enough, you don't have to tell me a third time!" She rejoiced before grabbing the substitute shinigami by his wrist. "Let's go, Ichigo!" and she broke out into a fierce sprint, the orange-haired man towed.

"W-wait!" Ichigo protested. He looked back at the silver haired Captain just before he vanished in a flash. He turned his eyes down at his dragging feet.

"Renji, huh?" He heard her say as she slowed her pace until they came to a mild walk, and he met her gaze. "Why him?" She gazed up at the sky conscientiously . "…No wonder you never liked the twins."

"W-what?" Ichigo stared wide eyed, halting his mild saunter. She stopped and her countenance fixed in bewilderment. "What are you talking about?" She giggled, and smiled at him before proceeding to walk.

"It was obvious." Ichigo followed after her, his eyes growing wider from her comment. _Had she really picked up on it just from what I said a minute ago?_ "And it wasn't just a moment ago when you said his name and blushed that I found out either." She laughed again when his breath caught in his chest and he stopped moving again.

She stopped and turned to him, her lips curved into a small smile. "It's always been obvious, Ichigo. The only reason I hadn't asked you before was because you were gone for three years…" she continued to walk. "…but yeah. I've always known. Did you really think you could hide that from me?" She turned and winked, but stopped when she noted his still flabbergasted expression.

"Oh?..."She walked back to him. "Are you okay?"

"How'd you figure it out?" He asked, blinking his eyes. She only smiled.

"Well, when you used to struggle to control your reiatsu," he looked up at her animated stature, "sometimes you'd reach for him even when he wasn't there. I don't even think you noticed you were doing it half the time," she laughed before moving dangerously close to his ear and whispering, "…just a heads up, but I think he likes you too." She bounced, elated.

"I know…" She ceased her exultation hearing Ichigo's defeated tone and his head fall to his chest. She looked on solemnly.

"I see." She pondered for a few seconds on what to do, all the while feeling Ichigo's reiatsu grow colder. "C'mon," she chirped, once again vice-gripping his wrist. His sadden eyes looked up at her, confused. "I know exactly what you need," she grinned. Then she took off into another sprint, dragging him along.

**X:~/~:X**

"Uh…Matsumoto I don't think this is what I need." Ichigo argued, jerking his arm against her iron-like grip. She easily pulled him, his body jerking forward.

"Of course it is," she smiled. "Who doesn't need a drink when they need to clear their head? Now c'mon!" She gave one last potent tug before he flew forward and she happily bounded into the bar listening to the berry groan in acceptance.

"Hey, Matsumoto!" She turned and looked to the back of the bar to see the bald shinigami, Madarame Ikkaku shouting and beckoning her over. She smiled and pulled the oranget over to the back table.

"Hey guys." She grinned, Ichigo looking elsewhere as he chided her. He heard people greet her; a lot more people than he thought were at the table, and only turned to face them when he heard someone address him.

"Kurosaki-san." He turned and saw Shuuhei greet and nod cordially. He saw Yumichika under his arm as it was slung unconventionally over the petite shinigami's shoulder. He nodded to Hisagi and did the same when Yumichika and Ikkaku addressed him.

"Take a seat," Shuuhei offered. Matsumoto did immediately, sitting directly across from them and ordered her usual four large bottles of sake. "…you're welcome to as well Kurosaki-san." He said after noticing Ichigo's reluctance.

"I shouldn't." He declined. "I should actually be getting back before Renji wakes up and freaks out."

"Oh no you don't!" Matsumoto grabbed his wrist and pulled him into the space next to her on the floor. "You need this, Ichigo!" He futilely tried to emancipate from her grip.

"I told you I didn't! Damnit, leave me alone!" He growled.

"_I said you need this_," she snarled behind clenched teeth, her countenance becoming noticeably somber. Ichigo stopped moving altogether as she stared intensely into his eyes. "…you need it, _don't you_?" He didn't dare argue, so he nodded. "Wonderful!" She exclaimed ecstatic, her grip never loosening from around his wrist. "The sake should be here momentarily…I wish they'd hurry up."

The other three Shinigami stared at the orange-haired man sympathetically. They knew there was no way he was getting out of his situation with Matsumoto, especially with her having been working the Komarus' case for three days without anything to drink.

"Okay…" Ikkaku drawled. Yumichika broke through the lingering tension between the two.

"So, Kurosaki-kun." Ichigo looked over at his name being called and seen Yumichika pushing against Shuuhei's chest in order to sit up. "You said something about Renji waking up and freaking out?" Ichigo noticed his smile, which was stretched far too wide to be innocent. _He can't know too_. He thought to himself and looked to Matsumoto for confirmation, noting that she was far too intrigued with the server with the sake running back and forth to notice his quizzical expression. He scoffed to himself, irritated. _Useless…I'm sure he doesn't know. I couldn't have been _that _careless._

"Yeah…I'm living with him now." He admitted. Yumichika's smile spread further.

"And how's that going?" It was obvious that it was hard for the petite shinigami to ask the question without breaking into a grin that devoured his face.

"Okay."

"Oh don't be coy with me!" Yumichika scowled. Ichigo felt his eyes widen, undoubtedly prominent. It couldn't be hidden. He knew his shock was written on his face. _Damnit! He must know too!_

"Don't Yumi," Shuuhei berated, pulling his mate to him. "If he isn't ready yet then you can't force him to tell you." He noted the pout on his beautiful face before smiling. "Lay back, love." Yumichika sighed but lied back anyways.

"_Wait_!" Ichigo shouted alarmed. "You know too!"

"_Finally_!" They all turned to Matsumoto when she shouted delightedly. Then they saw the server step in front of their table with the four large bottles of sake she order. "What took you so long?" The server didn't respond. He simply bowed after placing the order on the table and leaving.

"Pass one of those over here!" Ikkaku necessitated. His words were falling from between his lips so fast that it all sounded like one really long word. Ichigo looked over in his corner and saw the four bottles of sake that were hidden behind his back. He was heavily buzzed, and it was palpable that that one bottle he was asking for would trip him over the edge. "Bastards gave me a four bottle limit." He growled.

"No. I think you've had enough." Yumichika said, pushing the bottle away from him that Matsumoto had slid across the table.

"Not until I'm completely wasted and can't remember the last two weeks of my life. If I can then I haven't had enough…I can still remember. Pass it."

"Is that a challenge?" Matsumoto smirked before again sliding the bottle to him and saw him grin sluggishly. He ripped out the cork and held up the bottle in a silent toast, and he downed half its contents, the warm liquid running down his chin before he pulled it from his lips. His grin widened.

"Bring it, Matsu." Yumichika sighed and gave up when he distinguished the mischievous glint in his eye and Matsumoto's smirk form into a grin. She slid another bottle his way before ripping out the cork to one of her bottles and lifting it in a silent toast and brought it to her lips, guzzling it down.

"And the liver poisoning begins." Yumichika sighed again and shook his head before he lowered his head back against his lover's chest again, Hisagi's fingers drumming and caressing his pale skin.

"Ichigo," said boy looked away from the two drinking Shinigami and turned to the Ninth Division's Captain. Shuuhei had to force himself to tear his gaze from the other two before he started to speak again. "…it was obvious." He offered a smile.

"It was." Yumichika added.

"It was actually a matter of when you were going to open up about it." Shuuhei finished.

"Does everyone know?" Ichigo asked, distraught.

"Just about everyone that you've been around with that unstable reiatsu you use to have." Yumichika answered. Ichigo noticed a pattern in the way everyone answered his question, and he looked elsewhere.

"Why does everyone say 'use to'?" Ichigo's intonation detained his sorrow as he managed to whisper the words.

"Hm?"

"What do you mean?" Shuuhei asked when Yumichika didn't. Ichigo's eyes fell to the table, his entire mien changing abrupt. His reiatsu held so much loneliness and hurt.

"When I ask how someone," his voice was thick, sustaining much more grief, and he paused to try to compose himself. He couldn't. "Every time I ask how someone found out about…that, people…they always say 'the reiatsu you _used_ to have'." He cut his eyes up, allowing them to distinguish his prominent anguish. "…as if I don't know already I'm going to eventually lose my powers…as if…" He trailed and looked away before shutting his eyes tight. "As if I don't know I'm going to lose him." He slammed his fist on the table. "Damnit! It isn't fair!" He was causing a scene.

Shuuhei looked at all the eyes that shift to gander in their direction before he noted his mate doing the same and then he saw Yumichika turn to Ichigo. "Ichigo…" Yumichika said tenderly. The berry's fist began to shake on top of the table and Shuuhei watched it sympathetically as he heard a small sob escape the boy sitting across from him.

"If I may," the Captain began. "Kurosaki-san." He called and waited until his fist stopped shaking and the boy looked into his eyes, his honeyed eyes glossy and brimming with tears. "Renji cares deeply for you…you weren't the only one whose feelings were obvious to detect." Ichigo turned away to prevent the tears from falling. "…a word of advice," he continued. "When a Shinigami loves, we tend to share a connection with our other half that allows both to love hard," he squeezed his companion, "harder than nearly any other person or specimen to walk this realm or yours…and that love lasts for a very long time." Ichigo turned back to him. "And it's believed that nothing can break that connection we Shinigami feel for our significant other…and the last time I checked, you and Renji are indeed Shinigami yourselves." He smiled then. "So why would you both not share this connection if you were truly meant for one another?"

Ichigo was still trying to process all that he was saying and then his smile suddenly fell from his face. "I guess what I'm saying is…"

"There is still time, Ichigo." Yumichika supplied for him with a smile of his own. Then he looked up at his companion, and in turn Shuuhei was smiling down at him. "You still have time to love him…however long that time allows you before you lose your powers." He explained, his eyes never breaking away from his lover's, but then he turned to the berry while his smile was still intact. "So take it, and love him for however long you can…there _is_ still time for you, Kurosaki-kun…stop crying, and take it."

Ichigo's heart had stopped sometime in the middle of his speech, realization dawning on him. _That's right. It isn't over. He might be with Byakuya, but I know he still loves me…I know he is truly my other half so he can't love Byakuya more…it's impossible. I haven't lost my powers yet, which means I haven't lost Renji yet either…and I refuse to lose him without giving him a chance to love me…I refuse to lose him without giving _myself_ a chance to love _him_…I refuse to give up on him this easily...not while there was still time…not while I still have him. _He smiled once he gathered his thoughts.

Ichigo stood from his space on the floor, a small smile gracing his lips. This newfound hope that found him pushed him eagerly to return to his redhead infatuation that consecrated his dreams. "Thanks." He murmured.

"Where are you going?" Yumichika asked as he stared up at him bemused.

"The answer to that question is as obvious as his uncontrollably flaring reiatsu right now." Shuuhei smirked. His beautiful mate looked up at him.

"Well I know that…but what I meant was: where is he going without taking his baggage with him." He said pointing to a drunken Matsumoto who slurred incoherent syllables at him. Ichigo sighed. Shuuhei smiled to himself and chuckled.

"Don't worry about it, Kurosaki-san. We'll take care of her and Madarame-san." He paused and turned to Yumichika who made a noise and pouted at his comment before he chuckled again. He didn't turn from his lover when he continued and told Ichigo, "…love him…for as long as your heart, body and mind allows," Yumichika met his eyes, "…and even then you must continue to love your other half because without him who could make you whole?...Because without you…how could I truly be happy?" Yumichika blushed, his face the color of crimson roses, and Shuuhei placed a kiss on his delicate lips.

Ichigo's smile broadened as he stared on at them, and he nodded before turning and walking out the open door. He looked up at the sky and silently wondered just how long he'd been in there with them. Stars ubiquitously littered the sky, a silver moon looming over head and a chill ran through his body, but he shook it off.

He smiled up at the sky. _There was still time…still a chance. There was still hope._ He thought, and vanished into the night sky, a whirling chill lingering in the air.


	8. My Heart, It Hurts

**My Heart, It Hurts**

Ichigo stepped forward, staring at the front door to Renji's abode. He could sense him on the other side, his energy a mixture of anguish and sorrow. It was evident that he was unfocused, his reiatsu flaring rapidly as if on a rampage. But Ichigo didn't let that deter him.

He knocked but there was no answer, and he decided to try opening it. "Renji…" he called, but didn't get an answer. There was a long silence.

"Where'd you go?" Ichigo heard him ask from the kitchen, and he glided around the couch and up the hall before turning to stand in the open doorway. He noted the redhead sitting in the chair behind the little circular table with only night garments adorned, shirtless with his usual ponytail, a cup of sake in one hand and the bottle in the other.

"I ran into Hitsugaya and Matsumoto, and she insisted I went and had a drink with her." He answered. "…are you drunk?" He added as an afterthought. _He didn't sound like it._

Renji shook his head. "No. But I'm trying ta get there though." He admitted and raised his cup to him before bringing it to his lips.

"Why?" Ichigo had decided to take the seat across from him, and he caught when Renji's eyes filled with regret and turned away. Ichigo watched as he threw back the last bit of sake in his cup before pouring more.

"I was gonna go find you," he started, ignoring his question, "but I was figurin' ya were probably leavin'. So I ain't try ta go out my way ta go git you."

The oranget hesitated, noticing the avoidance of his question, but he didn't press it. "I thought I was welcome to stay for the week." Renji's gaze fell upon him.

"You are," he said and looked elsewhere. "But you said ya wanted ta leave when Hanataro was here yesterday, so I thought ya might've… just left." He shrugged and drank some more of the alcohol. "…sorry I wasn't up ta help ya when he came today." Ichigo shook him off, and he took another drink from his cup.

"Don't worry about it…I managed." He said and watched as Renji again brought the cup to his lips before he caught him by his wrist. Renji looked down at his restrained wrist and then up to his orange-haired friend holding it. "Stop…" Ichigo stared directly into his eyes, "…don't drink anymore."

Renji only stared at him for a long while before he sighed and placed his cup and bottle on the table. Ichigo relinquished his grip on him and sighed before he closed his eyes. "I didn't mean to say that then…" the berry trailed, deliberating. "Well…I did, but I was just—"

"I'm sorry, Ichigo." Renji stated abrupt, his eyes looking at his hand he still had wrapped around the neck of the bottle. "I shouldn't have told ya all that."

"I asked you to tell me all of it, Renji…It's okay." Ichigo tried to smile, but before his lips could even move he saw the other shake his head.

"It's not okay." Renji said, his voice on the edge of cracking. His grip on the bottle tightened. "It makes no difference either way since—"

"Don't say that!" Ichigo glared, his voice raising an octave.

"It doesn't!" Renji shouted back when he curtly snapped his head up to glare at the orange.

"Yes it does!" Ichigo shot up from his chair in an outrage and knocked it over from under him as he slammed his hands against the table, his glare intensifying on the older, who in turn glowered harder back at him. "It does make a difference!" He growled

It was Renji's turn to shoot up from his chair and have it topple under from under him, both bottle and cup of sake still in hand. "You dumb shit, no the fuck it doesn't! Not when you're going to lose you powers and everyone is going to disappear anyways. What I say doesn't make a goddamn difference in the world," his voice cracked and his russet eyes narrowed as he held back tears, and he dropped his cup on the floor, "…because it isn't going to make a difference! I'm still going to lose you!"

Ichigo stood glaring for a long while as he watched Renji's chest heaving in and out as though he had just ran a marathon. "I haven't lost them yet…" He said behind clenched teeth and Renji glared harder. "…there's still time…Renji." The redhead scoffed.

"Fuck off, Ichigo." He rolled his eyes and brought the bottle to his lips.

Ichigo propelled forward, flipping the table over on its side and again grabbed his wrist to stop him. "I told you to stop fucking drinking!" He barked, both glowering menacingly at the other as Renji tried to wrench himself free.

"Get the fuck off of me!" They tussled over the bottle. "Let me go, you dumb shit!" They continued to wrestle, each throwing the other into the walls, or the counter, against cabinets, the refrigerator, and against the toppled table. They shoved and even threw a few punches.

But finally Ichigo had managed to shove him into the corner of the counter and pull both his arms above his head against the cabinet, and pressed his body against the redhead so he couldn't escape. "Stop, damnit!" He growled into his face and tried to control his unabated breaths, his chest heaving persistently as he fought to recollect himself, glaring at the other flushed against his body.

"Get off me, Kurosaki!" Renji continued to fight against his restraints in a futile effort for another five minutes until he finally accepted defeat and sighed, his glare fading as his tried to recompose his rapid breathing, his chest heaving in an out in tempo with Ichigo, their chests rubbing against one another and he met eyes with the berry.

"Shit!..." Ichigo snarled as he gathered his breath, glaring directly into his eyes. He snatched the bottle from his hand and threw elsewhere, the sound of shattering glass resonating through their ears. "Just calm down for _one goddamn minute_…so I can tell you that —" he was immediately silenced when he felt Renji's lips cover his own. His eyes widen in shock, his previous enragement subsiding, but before he could respond Renji pulled away.

Ichigo was still in his state of shock. "I've wanted to do that for the longest. Ever since—"

"I need you." Ichigo blurted out. Then it was Renji's turn to stare in astonishment, and Ichigo's turn to claim his lips and he closed his eyes to indulge in the felicities of Renji's supple lips.

Everything around the redhead was clouded black until he finally managed to register what he had heard him say, and then he could only see Ichigo, only feel the vehemence emanating from him when he felt their lips locked. Everything else was cloaked in darkness. He began to reciprocate, and closed his eyes to permit himself to fall into the elatedness.

Ichigo's tongue pressed against his pursed lips before they opened and he ravaged his tavern. He divulged and discovered, relishing in every inch of his mouth. Renji's lips were just as he imagined: rough yet passionate, and Ichigo pressed his knee between his legs, feeling Renji's hardened erection poking him in his stomach, and listening to the soft whimpers the redhead elicited, causing him to guttural a moan in the back of his throat.

Ichigo pulled away from him, and Renji snarled from the loss of contact. Ichigo looked up at his face, which was fixed in pleasure, his breathing labored as the redhead opened his eyes. "Ichigo…" Renji breathed, and the orange-haired shinigami placed another kiss on his lips.

"My heart, Renji…it hurts…it wants you so bad," Renji groaned, and Ichigo kissed him again. "It _needs_ you, Renji…I can't live without you."

"Ichigo," Renji moaned, his body finding pleasure in his words, and he felt the oranget's lips sucking and his teeth roughly biting on his neck, while Ichigo's tongue flickered around his pulse.

Renji gasped as the oranget continued to lick and nip at the heated flesh, the redhead thrusting his hips forward and tried to muffle a moan when his stiff member rubbed against Ichigo's hardened erection, and he turned his head to the side to disclose more skin to the suckling berry.

He wanted more. His body craved to hear more of those enticing moans pressing passed sinuous lips, and he released one of Renji's wrists and used his hand to grab the back of his leg and lift it up and around his waist, all the while concentrating on not breaking the connection between them. He held his leg in place around him and grounded their erections together, making the redhead moan into his mouth, and continuously, as he shivered from the delectable noises that spewed from the redhead's orifice, he grinded his rigid cock into Renji's.

Ichigo, unrelenting, pounded their clothed erections together, his kissing and suckling travelling further down the man's throat until he reached the juncture that link neck and shoulder, the man's tribal markings lying over the skin, and he bit it, hard!

"Shit," Renji snarled through clenched teeth, his eyes shut tight while he used his free hand to push the oranget's shoulder to try and force him from penetrating his skin with his teeth. "Ichigo…" Ichigo's incessant pounding began to quicken and become more violent in his excitement, and he forced Renji's other leg to wrap around his waist before he again caught both of his hands above his head, slamming them into the cabinet above them.

The tattooed Shinigami's back slammed repeatedly into the edge of the counter, and into the handle of the cabinet above the countertop. Renji felt himself shudder when the more than eager man moaned around his skin, his teeth piercing through the flesh. He threw his head back and clenched his teeth harder to try and stifle his moaning, despite the pain that waivered through his body.

Once Ichigo's libido had finished laying claim to the redhead's tattooed skin, his mouth trailed rough kisses down until he reached his naked chest, and his passionate cavern found refuge in the two softened nubs on either of his pecs, and enveloped them in the ardency of his mouth. He sucked and flicked his tongue avidly around the limp nub, stealing body shuddering groans from his once distant infatuation before he moved on to liven the other tanned nipple.

"Ichi…ahh…I-Ichi…go, st-stop," he gasped as the oranget's tongue swirled lavishly around his hardened nipple before devouring it whole once again.

"Why?" Ichigo snarled around the tanned nub.

Renji was breathing erratically. "…be-because…I-I…uncomfor-table…g-go…bedroom…" He said fragmented and breathless before releasing a pleasurable cry, and without a moment of hesitation, he felt himself being lifted into the air. He impulsively wrapped his legs tighter around the berry's lithe waist and threw his arms around his neck, whilst Ichigo carried on attacking his sensitive skin.

The oranget stumbled obscurely over the toppled table, his full attention given to the redhead in his arms. He staggered, Renji falling against the wall, omitting an audible 'uhph' from the sudden impact. Ichigo adjusted the redhead against his taut member. At the same time he never faltered from ravaging his body ravenously.

Ichigo moved swiftly, blindly falling over the couch as he moved out and down the corridor. Renji fell over the back of the couch, his upper half dangling while his lower half was still in the sanctuary between Ichigo's legs.

"Damnit, Ichigo," he groaned, glowering as he tried to pull himself up. He stopped, taken aback from the way Ichigo's eyes, filled with such salacity and covetousness, ran rapidly over his body. The redhead choked when Ichigo, suddenly, tore away his tight-fitted hakama. His concealed lower half was now completely unraveled for lustful, honeyed eyes to partake.

Ichigo's eyes raked over his body, certain to indulge in every muscle that flexed and bulged against his tanned skin. His eyes had widened at some point he didn't realize, and involuntarily his hand reached out and touched him, his fingers outlining every curve. "So…beautiful," he murmured, mesmerized. His cock throbbed as it twitched enthusiastic. His long digits fingered the scar across this abdomen curiously.

"Ichigo…" he heard Renji call and he looked up to meet his gaze, simultaneously becoming engrossed within his startled expression, and he smirked, and felt Renji's legs shiver around his waist. "Why are you —" before Renji could finish his thought, his throbbing member was devoured, engulfed in the fervent heat of his orifice, and he screamed out, throwing his head back and he gritted his teeth. His body went limp, his legs falling from around Ichigo's lithe waist , and he growled a string of obscenities, Ichigo's mouth sweltering around his cock.

Ichigo moved his head up and down on his thickness, savoring in the exquisiteness of Renji's heavenly screams. He consumed his entire shaft, causing the redhead to bellow beguilingly and thrust his hips forward, wanting more.

His moans were like blissful melodies to his ears, and his mouth was playing all the right notes. Ichigo's stray hand ran aimlessly over tense muscles, and he looked down at Renji's winded form. He noted his face contorted in what could only be interpreted as absolute pleasure. He watched as the redhead moved one of his arms up to cover his face, and stubbornly Ichigo's wandering hand caught it before throwing it aside. He yearned for this man beneath him for so long, and he wanted to bask in all the beauty he had to offer him.

"Shit!" Renji snarled. "Ichi-go…pl-please." The oranget smile around him before using his tongue to slide up the underside of his cock until his lips met the tip and he sucked it gluttonously. Renji gasped exasperated. He used his tongue to prod the thin slit, finding satisfaction in the reaction Renji gave as his body trashed uncontrollably, thrusting his hips every which way as he tried to stifle his screams of ecstasy.

"…bedroom…" Renji opted breathless. Ichigo ignored him, and instead pulled away from his thick member, perceiving Renji's body slumping in relief from the scalding heat that surrounded his painfully erect member. Ichigo descended to his knees, all the while he watched Renji as the redhead traced his movements under hooded eyes, breathing unevenly. Ichigo smirked.

The orange-haired shinigami stuck his tongue out and licked one of his balls, sending small tingles through his body, his breath hitching in his chest. He flickered the wet muscle repeatedly until he was in a fit and panting rapidly. Then he took his entire sack into his mouth, playing with his balls in his mouth before tugging at them with his teeth. He used his hands to massage both joints that linked his hips to his thighs in either leg as he proceeded with his assail on his sack.

Renji breathed raggedly. He felt his breath was caught and incase in his chest because it was so hard to command his lungs to inhale without choking or gasping around the pleasures that coiled inside him. Ichigo's masterful tongue was sending fire signals to his groin, making it throb in agony from his ministrations as it was now being neglected.

The redhead threw one arm over his face, his mouth opening as he omitted soundless moans, and he used his other hand to stroke himself gently, his member tender from being engulfed and suffocated by Ichigo's searing cavern.

Ichigo suckled and tugged, his hands slowly spreading Renji's legs until he was faced with his puckered, pink hole, and watched as it wink at him. He again noticed Renji's body go flaccid when he relieved him of his treatments. He again gauged the redhead's reaction by sticking his tongue out and flicking the tip against the fervid aperture, observing as it tensed before expanding.

He opted to appraise his full reaction and he flickered the tip of his tongue repetitively against the blazing flesh, feeling Renji's body tense and hearing the small moans that fought to break from behind his clenched teeth. Ichigo swiftly shoved his tongue into the incandescent aperture, and Renji cried out as his whole body stiffened. Ichigo reiterated the same action, pleased with the response he got.

"Bedroom!" Renji tried to growl, but it came out as a breathless moan. "_Now_!...ahh, damn-it" He glowered. Then he felt Ichigo stop. He looked between his legs for the head of orange hair, watching as he rose up, a smug smirk supplementing his beautiful face. "Bed, Ichigo," he panted, "…right now." He watched as Ichigo's smirk grew and he was suddenly lifted when Ichigo pulled him up and smashed their lips together and he noticed how instantly his eyes closed.

He could taste himself on Ichigo's lips and tongue, but he couldn't get enough. He would've never known that tasting himself could taste so good on his palate when mixed with Ichigo's distinct taste of strawberries. He absently wondered how he could taste strawberries on his tongue when he hadn't had any…or at least he didn't think he had any. He was out an hour ago.

He wasn't able to complete his analysis because he was lifted once again, and he called upon whatever strength his legs and arms had left to wrap around Ichigo's lithe frame. The oranget moved hurriedly to Renji's bedroom, consistent in running into things as the one in his arms held his full attention.

Ichigo had finally made it to the room after colliding with three walls and kicking over a flowerpot in the hallway. He used his foot and slid the door close behind him and a chill shivered through him, but he was unable to detect if it was a pleasurable chill or a cautious chill. He didn't allow himself to deliberate for too long and immediately rushed over to the bed and tossed the redhead on top of it.

"What?" Renji asked after he noticed Ichigo wasn't moving.

"Aren't you going to take this off?" He popped the collar of the black kimono he was wearing to indicate the troublesome clothe. Without any reluctance Renji crawled over to him at the foot of his bed and began stripping him of the robe. He didn't let Ichigo ogling him go unnoticed as he did so.

"Where…did ya learn ta do that?" Renji asked as he concentrated on divesting him. Ichigo shrugged.

"Practice I guess." He answered nonchalant, but smiled when Renji quirked a disturbed brow at him. "The imagination is one hell of a thing…" he brought his hand up to his crimson locks that was finally up in its rightful ponytail and ran his fingers through it. "Pineapple."

Renji stiffened before he glared at him, and Ichigo laughed. The redhead just scoffed. "…Strawberry." Ichigo just laughed harder, which caused Renji to quirk his brow up at him again. _That wasn't what I was expecting_. Renji thought, but smiled after a short while and went back to ridding him of the garment and tossed it aside on the floor haphazardly.

He took a moment to gander at Ichigo's nimble build. It was a sculpture of perfection with the right curves in all the right places. Muscles bulged where he didn't even know they could form. His eyes fell lower onto his appointed member; thick, long and leaking. Renji stared hungrily at it, his mouth watering to taste its flavor.

But before Renji could even think of what was going to happen next, he found himself lying under the oranget on his back, Ichigo straddling him and holding down his wrists again. The berry started placing hurried and rough kisses over Renji's naked body. The redhead couldn't help but smile at his aggression. _Interesting…but he won't be the only one._ He thought.

Renji finally decided to assert his own aggression and easily kicked Ichigo off of him and started to straddle the berry, securing him in the same position he had just been in. The redhead grinned down at his perplexed expression. He was obviously shocked at the turn of events. "You ain't think ya was toppin' did ya?" He teased.

"Yeah…that actually was a thought." He replied once his incredulity diminished. He watched as Renji's head descended upon his lips.

"Naw, not me." He whispered against his lips. He lightly brushed their lips together and kissed them softly before he expertly attacked his neck with his tongue, swiping it franticly across his hot skin that only seemed to be getting hotter by the second as Ichigo's body twisted and convulsed when he tried to suppress the tremors that surged through his frame.

Renji's tongue glided down Ichigo's muscled neck and onto his chest, licking and twirling the wet muscle over two, already, perked nipples. He felt Ichigo's cock twitch, jabbing him in his stomach, and he felt him trying to fight against his strength to assumingly stroke his lengthy member, but Renji wouldn't allow him and squeezed tighter around his wrists. He bit both of his nipples, drawling a pain-filled, yet sensual moan from the oranget beneath him before he continued his assault further down, and his tongue outlined the curves and bends of his abs. Ichigo squirmed under his tongue.

Renji trailed further down south until he was looking directly into the slit of his length. His cock cried, leaking precum as it pleadingly requested for release. Renji knew his shaft was throbbing agonizingly, because when he freed one of Ichigo's wrists from its confinement and grabbed his cock the berry hissed pugnaciously from how raw his member was.

The redhead nearly shot his own orgasm all over the boy when he took the head of his cock into his mouth and heard Ichigo scream louder than he thought possible, a filament of curses coming immediately afterwards. He tasted the saltiness of his precum, and it tasted good. His mouth stroked the head of his length while he used his hand to stroke the base.

Ichigo grunted boisterously in the back of his throat as he threw his head back, violent shivers racing through him, and he used his free hand to grip the sheets tight around his knuckles. "Ahh…_fuck_! Ren…" He screamed as the avidness of Renji's sinful tongue convoluted around his tender cock. His every breath was a gasp, the room feeling extremely cramped and hot all of a sudden.

His long tongue wrapped around the head of his length like pita bread before he sucked on it, hard, forcing a cry from the boy, and not one laced in pleasure, just pain. Surprisingly though, he liked it. He felt sadistic, but he found himself loving every sound Ichigo made; grunt, moan, scream, or gasp…anything really and in anyway it pressed passed those perfect lips, be it in pain or pleasure. He yearned for more vocalization.

He sucked him again before picking up a rhythm and bobbing his head, the tip of his tongue occasionally teasing the slit of his member. He loved every response Ichigo made, but he decided he wanted more, and he pulled his mouth away from his cock before releasing his other wrist. The redhead pulled both of Ichigo's legs up from under his knees until his knees were kissing his own shoulders and disclosing his flushed opening to the redhead.

The redhead didn't bother wasting any time teasing, his desperation to be filled by the others melodic whimpers started to become unbearable. He shoved his tongue into the tight aperture, forcing pass the ring of muscle that instinctively constricted around the intrusion.

Ichigo's head turned to the side and he squeezed his eye shut in order to withstand the fire coiling in his abdomen. Renji's tongue was gold; hot, and valuable enough to rip anyone apart. Ichigo felt his eyes roll to the back of his head when the redhead started to wildly drive his tongue in and out of him and then shoving it in entirely before prodding the tip of that golden muscle against his prostate. Ichigo used both his hands to palm the sheets.

The younger male found himself whimpering and panting unsustainably, his head flip-flopping from left to right while his back arched into the air as he felt himself being fully sheathed into the divinity of Renji's treatments. The redheads tongue again drove deep into him and commenced stabbing at his prostate, and he omitted a throaty groan, his back bending higher into the air and his mouth hung open when he threw his head back.

Renji voraciously attacked his hole; driving, prodding, flickering, and nipping at the skin around the rosy aperture. He jabbed the tip of his tongue against Ichigo's prostate, enveloping in the felicities of his moans before pulling away from him, leaving him panting and whimpering sporadically.

Renji turned around to grab the lube from inside the box atop the nightstand. He turned back towards the tangerine watching with an awed expression as he endeavored to balance himself on his hand and knees, his strength seemingly dissipating along with his breath.

"Feelin' a bit weak 'n the knees there? Hm, Ichi?" He grinned, noting Ichigo still trying to steady his breaths before an unexpected grin spread across the tangerine's face. Renji's grin faded. "What's funny?"

"…a little…but not…as much as you will be…once we're done here." Renji saw the spark shimmering in his eyes, discerning it as that same determination that he fell in love with years ago. His grin returned, along with a strong libido.

"Determined, eh?...We'll see 'bout that."

"Damn, right!" Ichigo abruptly tackled him, resulting in the two wrestling for the second time. Ichigo managed to sustain him in the same promising position he'd been in, but unlike himself, Renji vigilantly resisted the hold Ichigo had on his wrists, striving to push the berry back, inch by inch.

"Damnit…" Ichigo snarled under his breath, glaring once he realized the older shinigami successfully fighting against his control. Then suddenly he heard Renji's breath catch in his throat, and his eyes go wide before all the strength the redhead was exerting unexpectedly dispersed. Ichigo took the opportunity and forced him back down onto the bed and grinned triumphant. "Hmph…Looks like I'm —"

"What is the meaning of this?" Ichigo froze at the familiarity of a calm, yet stern tone, his heart palpitating against his chest. Tentatively, he turned to look over his shoulder at the door, his eyes growing to the size of dinner plates.

_Fuck_! They thought.


	9. A Hollowed Soul

**A Hollowed Soul**

_"What is the meaning of this?" Ichigo froze at the familiarity of the stern, but calm tone, his heart palpitating against his chest. Tentatively, he turned to look over his shoulder at the door, his eyes growing to the size of dinner plates._

Fuck!_ They thought._

* * *

><p>"B-Byakuya…" Renji gasped. His head was pounding and his heart was racing as he looked at the man's lifeless eyes staring into him. <em>H-how? I didn't even feel him outside, let alone coming in the house.<em> Renji swiftly grabbed the sheets to try and cover himself, Ichigo falling to the side of him. "It's not…We were just…I don't know what —" He stopped when Byakuya raised his hand.

Byakuya noted the lustrous goad in Renji's eyes. _It's rare to see him filled with such need…and it's come from this boy._ Byakuya thought, his eyes shifting to the stunned tangerine before falling onto the redhead again. "There is absolutely nothing you can say to explain this, _Abarai-san_." He saw the redhead flinch at his tone that sounded like a mix between a growl and a whisper. His eyes continued to scrutinize the glimmer in Renji's eyes. _I haven't seen that look since…_ He stopped himself from thinking any further and turned to Ichigo "Do you care to explain, boy?"

Ichigo was still in a state of shock, his heart beating to escape his chest as he gaped at the emotionless Kuchiki. "Byakuya…" he breathed. He failed to realize that he was completely naked. "…This wasn't supposed to happen," he managed to say after a while. _How didn't I feel him coming? What the hell happened?_ "I mean…I didn't think that you'd…" he trailed from his line thinking.

Byakuya looked apathetically at the boy. "Hn…You didn't think I'd be back so soon?" He waited for a response, but didn't get one. "I wouldn't have been if Abarai hadn't come to me yesterday evening. I would still be finishing my paperwork." The resigned shinigami looked to the redhead. "I felt both of you from down the street," he denounced, and he noted Renji's eyes had lost their luster in an instant, and was now staring soullessly into his lap. He was slightly taken aback.

Byakuya knew Renji must have felt disappointed with himself…_but can I truly be disappointed with him? _The Captain deduced. _It was only a matter of time before this happened…Hmph…I submerged myself in my work so I wouldn't have to deal with him_. His impassive gaze fell upon the substitute shinigami, decisive. Then he closed his eyes. _He needs him…_ He told himself, reprimanding the very thought…_He isn't strong enough yet…This was my own doing…it could've been prevented…if I had…_unexpectedly, he turned his back and started out the door.

"Byakuya," Ichigo called, but he hadn't known why. There was nothing he could say.

"Finish…Kurosaki." He edict, and heard the berry and his mate's surprised gasps. "…he needs it more than you know, and if that makes him feel…complete, then I'm willing to compromise."

"Compromise?" Renji reiterated. He discerned his Captain staring at him from his peripheral, his eyes completely devoid of emotions.

"Finish," was his last word before walking out the room.

Both oranget and redhead stared blankly at the now unoccupied space in the doorway. Ichigo was beyond confused. _He just…finish!…I-I…don't understand._ His mind was wheeling a mile a minute, feeling a headache forming in the back of his head. Then a familiar feeling started to devastate him once again, a bleak disorientation overtaking him as he was at a loss yet again. _What the fuck is going on, now? …I can't catch a break for shit!_

"Ichigo," he heard Renji say, forcing him to halt his inner tirade. The orange-haired shinigami's startled gaze fell on the redhead. The distinguishably feral look in his eyes from before had vanished, and was now replaced by mild uncertainty and submission. "…I need you…Ichigo…" He confessed.

Ichigo stilled hadn't registered everything that was happening, which is why he continued to stare blankly at the redhead as he endeavored the recollect his thoughts that were racing untenably. But once he felt Renji's lips sealed against his own his mind started to churn in the right direction, a soft moan rumbling in his throat. He began pushing back and shoved his tongue passed the others lips, dominating easily as Renji submitted under his advances.

Renji slowly fell back against his pillow, the oranget following after him, never breaking their sealed connection until he was on top of him and straddling his waist. "Renji…" was all his mind could think to say, the syllables coming out uncertain as they ghosted across the other's lips. "I'm sorry…"

There was silence.

"I need you…Ichigo," he reiterated. "…please…" cautiously Renji grabbed the back of his neck and meshed their lips together. Ichigo moaned inside his mouth, his hand moving between them and tore away the cover that concealed the redhead, and he threw it aside.

The oranget's hand groped for the bottle of lube Renji had dropped somewhere on the bed. Once he found it he pulled away. Looming over him, he looked into his eyes, searching for any signs of doubt. Instead an entirely different emotion was discernable in his eyes that he couldn't quite comprehend.

Ichigo popped the lid to the lube, his gaze never wavering from the one beneath him as he tried to divulge this incomprehensive emotion, and in turn Renji didn't seem to falter under his gaze as the redhead stared directly into his eyes as though he wanted him to find it, and understand it. Ichigo coated his fingers with the liquid and positioned them at his entrance, neither uttering a word as he slowly sheathed one digit into him. Their gaze never broke on the other, each gauging, calculating.

Ichigo inserted another finger, and he searched Renji's eyes for anything, but all he got was his face scrunching in mild discomfort and his aperture tightening around the intrusion before expanding once again. Ichigo scissor-ed his entrance as he blindly prodded for his prostate, stretching him further.

Renji's eyes shone a mixture of emotions, too many. He couldn't tell what was going on in his head, but he decided to insert a third finger and he worked the digits diligently as he found and struck his prostate, causing the man beneath him to shudder against his body and moan softly. Once he figured that the redhead was prepared enough he removed the prodding fingers and placed his member at his entrance.

Ichigo slowly shoved himself passed the ring of muscle that constricted around his length, noting Renji's face twist in pain before he quickly adjusted to Ichigo's thickness, the oranget stopping halfway inside him, leaning over him so that they were face to face and he was on his hands and knees. He tried concentrating on the redhead under him aside from the heat that devoured his length and gauged his expression, and again he found nothing. It was beginning to irritate him.

"Renji…what's wrong?" Ichigo finally asked, halting his movements completely to stare determinedly into his eyes. Renji hesitated only a moment before, for the first time, he looked away.

"Nothing, Ichigo," he turned back to him. "I'm fine." He wasn't convinced.

"Renj—"

"Ichigo, I'm fine!" He grounded. Ichigo searched his eyes. "…I promise," he again turned away, as he whispered, "…I'm fine." The berry hesitated, gauging his actions calculative before he slowly pulled out and then docilely pushed back in. Renji turned back to him…his eyes watering and…dark. They were black.

Ichigo tensed suddenly, his muscles straining under his skin and his jaw clenched shut as he stopped for the third time. He finally saw the emotion Renji clung to. He could finally read his every expression, his every thought, as though the blackness in his eyes were reflecting everything to him. It was like looking into a mirror. He finally discovered the intense pain harboring behind those brown eyes, or rather, black eyes. Pain so strong that it overwhelmed and consumed him completely until it seemed that there was nothing left of the man he loved. Pain that only contorted the image of red hair, brown eyes, and marred tribal markings to fathom his desires. But this was not him. This was not the one he fell in love with. This..._thing _was only a hollowed shell. This was _not_ Renji. Not his Renji anyways.

He discovered this change before. He unveiled this hollowed shell once before. It was as though Renji were a totally different person. But Ichigo's eyes only saw what he wanted them to see, refusing to acknowledge how distant Renji's state of being actually was. He wanted desperately to see the man he fell in love with all those years ago, and not this remote being before him. He wanted to cling to his fairytale that those three years had changed nothing about this man except that his hair had grown longer. He wanted to cling to the little shred of hope he still had left after finding out about the relationship between Captain and lieutenant.

He hoped? He could laugh at the words had he not felt so foolish to believe the very lie he concocted for himself. He hoped? The very words tore him apart. There was no hope; none for them, none for him and, from what he could see, Renji was far beyond what little comfort hope could give to him. The man was beyond reparation it seemed, judging from his eyes...eyes that didn't even belong to him. His eyes were torn to pieces from the pain they held. Ichigo thought they were brown, but it was just another one of the many lies he told himself in fear of reality. His eyes weren't like honey; they were deep chasms of darkness, blackened by loneliness and grief. They were no longer mahogany spheres, but instead as black as the midnight skies.

"Ichigo, please," Renji pleaded forlorn, as if he had known Ichigo had been freed from his fantasies and was at last staring through him with opened eyes and finally facing reality. "Please…just… once…before you go away from me. I need to know… how it feels to have all of you…just once before you…leave me." The orange-haired shinigami went entirely rigid. Renji's voice was shaky and desperate. "…My heart, Ichigo…it hurts," Renji recited and Ichigo's eyes widened. "…it wants you so bad…" two tears escaped the oranget, but he didn't even feel them fall. "It _needs_ you, Ichigo…I…I can't live without you." Renji allowed his own tears to fall freely.

This definitely wasn't the one he fell in love with. This person was only a hollow shell, but Ichigo couldn't turn away from him, watching as tears stained his eyes and ran down his face, witnessing those obsidian orbs redden. "Ichigo…I thought I was done," Renji sobbed, the words seeming to trigger something inside him and his eyes watered even more. "I thought I was over you…I…I thought I didn't love you anymore." Ichigo finally felt tears stinging his own eyes when Renji choked out another sob. "I-I thought I…I could forget about you…li-like you're going to forget me, Ichigo…"

Ichigo bowed his head to hide the streaks as they slid down his face, falling from his chin and onto the body beneath him. "I thought I could live without you," both were sobbing now, and Renji shook his head. "I can't!" He choked out. Renji reached out and wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him down until their lips were only a centimeter apart, and he whispered brokenly, "…I can't live without you, Ichigo…I can't…Please, just…please…" Tears streamed from his eyes vastly, cascading down his cheeks in a rush.

Ichigo didn't say anything as he began to rock his hips, his head still bowed as he heard shattered moans escape the hollowed man beneath him. He moved his neck from under Renji's arms, his head still bowed… _I don't feel anything…should I…This isn't… I shouldn't be doing this._ More tears fell from Ichigo's eyes, his heart twisting unnaturally in his chest when he heard Renji begging and moaning his name…_It doesn't sound…_He choked on his own sobs..._the same anymore._

"Ahh…Ichigo," Renji whined brokenly. "…please." The more Ichigo heard his moans the more he felt his heart tearing a hole in his chest as it tried to escape the sharp pain stabbing at it. The more his ears wrapped around the grunts and groans that before brought him so much pleasure, the more his soul screamed for him to stop, but his mind and body wouldn't responding accordingly.

The oranget thrust his hips forward with so much strength it left him shaky, his arms that were on either side of the redhead trembled violently. "Ichigo!" He heard Renji scream, and he only berated himself even more.

_…I…can't…_His body began to stiffen. Everything around him had seemed to have dulled, and he couldn't feel himself or Renji anymore. Renji's needing cries were muffled by the sound of his own tears. The resonance they made seemed to have amplified each time one would fall against Renji's chest. His body was acting on its own will_…I can't…_His entire body began to tremble, and the heart wrenching cry Renji let out went unheard by his dulled senses…_I can't live without him…but…_He rigidly unbowed his head from his chest, tears still streaming as he looked up at this unknown man withering beneath him.

Renji's eyes were closed, and his mouth was opening and closing as though he was saying something while his head was turning back and forth. His moans were soundless as tears streaked down his face. Ichigo's own tears began to cascade over his cheeks when Renji opened his watering eyes and all he saw was blackness. It ripped him apart on the inside and he bit his bottom lip as it began to quiver, looking away, he once again bowed his head to his chest.

…_He's already gone…I can't live without him…but I have to…_He didn't know how, or where he found the strength, but he managed to stop himself again and look up into lackluster and tainted coal eyes, noting the perverseness and bleakness in them.

"…Ichigo," he heard Renji whisper as his senses started to come back to him. He tried offering a smile, despite the evident ache he felt stabbing at his heart, and the screaming tears streaming down over his cheeks and splashing onto the other's sweltering skin.

"I can't, Renji," he rasped, his voice hoarse from the constant weeping. "I…I can't give you all of me," He said shakily, closing his eyes as he tried to control the emotions that were balling to the surface. It was one of the hardest and most unbelievable things he had ever thought he'd say to him. He didn't hear or feel Renji respond. "…because…because I don't know who you are anymore," he sobbed and heard the redhead's subtle gasp.

"Ichigo," Renji whimpered pleadingly. "Please…I need you!" Ichigo could tell that his eyes were brimming with tears from the sound of his voice cracking, but he refused to look into those foreign spheres again. It would only make things harder.

He shook his head at the jaded man beneath him. "…You're not him anymore." Ichigo cried. He opened his eyes and immediately tears began to fall. He pulled away from him, moving rigidly to the foot of the bed, his eyes tamed on the other.

"You're not Renji anymore…" He saw Renji's eyes fill with sorrow, and his next words hurt himself worse than he could have ever imagined they would. "…I don't know who you are…but you're not the one I fell in love with…" He climbed off the bed, Renji using his arms to lift himself up.

"I am…" Renji cried, crawling after him. "Ichigo!"

He stopped crawling when he saw Ichigo shaking his head, a small smile forced upon his lips. "…You're not him," he turned and moved towards the door, picking up the discarded kimono from earlier and slipping it over his shoulders.

"Ichigo!" Renji shouted, begging. "I am. I'm exactly the same person…" Ichigo stopped at the door, his back turned to him.

"Renji…the one I loved, never begged for anything," he whispered morosely, and he heard Renji's shaky and dejected sigh.

Renji fell back onto his knees, his head bowed as his legs curled under him. "…please, Ichigo," he palmed the sheets around his knuckles, his body trembling as tears stained his mattress, his voice resonating in a dejected whisper. "I am…the same person."

Ichigo sighed. Renji's voice betrayed his own uncertainty. _Even he doesn't know who he is anymore_. He was no different from any other lost soul, except now, there was no afterlife for him. There was nothing anyone could do to help him.

Ichigo closed his eyes before he released an uneven sigh. "…not anymore…" and he left him, broken and confused.


	10. Promise Me

**Promise Me**

Ichigo stumbled into his room, incredulity still coursing through his veins. He staggered towards the bed, but before he could even make it halfway, he collapsed to his knees in the middle of the floor. _What's happening to me?...Why_…He shut his eyes tight and fell onto his hands before he punched the floor. "Why, damnit?...Just…why? Why me?"

"Are you that oblivious?" Instinctively Ichigo turned to the voice. Byakuya stood in the doorway with his same emotionless and condescending expression. Ichigo glared at him as he crawled onto his feet.

"What the fuck did you do to him!" He seethed, balling his fist at his side. The Captain didn't respond. "What the fuck did you do?...Answer me!" His fists were shaking, but again Byakuya said nothing. Instead, the stoic Captain approached him, gauging how the younger shinigami clenched his jaw.

"It is not what I did," he answered walking passed him and to the window above the desk. "I am not to blame for his condition…you are, Kurosaki Ichigo." Ichigo held a snarl behind his teeth, his body shaking because of his enragement.

"How am I to blame for this?" Ichigo bit back. "He's been with you for over two years!...You were manipulating him, weren't you?" He shouted belligerent, his glower on the Sixth Division's Captain intensified.

Byakuya turned to him, studying him speculatively for several seconds. "…sit." He finally said, and defiantly Ichigo only glared harder. "If you would like me to explain, then sit down." Ichigo was reluctant for only a moment before he went to sit on the bed, the immensity of his glare darkening. Byakuya turned back to the window.

"I'm certain Renji told you most of how he and I came to understand one another." The substitute shinigami didn't make a move to reply and Byakuya continued on. "I'm also certain that he hadn't told you everything, did he?" He heard the oranget grunt his reply. "Of course he hasn't, because he's unaware himself. He hadn't told you that our every conversation was centered on you, and every tear he shed was because of you and your absence."

Ichigo felt his heart racing in his chest, his glowering façade slipping. "Everything he said…did…pertain to you." Byakuya looked at him from his peripheral. "I'm ascertaining now that you allowed your false reality of him to crumble and can now see him quite clearly, and that you discern his evident obsession…He's a damaged little boy." He said apathetically. He turned back to the window. "On more than one occasion when addressing me he'd mistaken me as you, and that's when I discovered that not only is all that he says or does is for you, but all he could perceive as an entity was you, Kurosaki Ichigo."

Ichigo's glower had completely diminished, and now his gaze wandered aimlessly on the floor. "What are you saying?" Ichigo's shoulders slumped. He knew exactly what he was saying, because he felt the same way, but he never knew that it would be so detrimental to Renji's wellbeing. He sighed deplorably. "…what are we going to do?" The younger asked.

"That question is of no concern to me. The question you should be asking yourself is: what are you, yourself prepared to do?" Ichigo's head snapped up, bemusement written over his face.

"What do you mean that 'it's of no concern to you'?" Ichigo scowled. "Aren't you going to try to help him?" He didn't answer. "_Damnit_! Answer —"

"There is nothing more that I wish to do with him." Byakuya replied bleakly. Ichigo jumped to his feet.

"What the fuck does that mean?" He growled.

"No one else can save him but you, Kurosaki. Even if I felt the impulse to act, nothing would change the soulless look in his eyes." Byakuya's voice was indifferent as he turned around to the berry, his eyes uninterested. "As far as I know, you can only choose one of two options. One in which is for his benefit; the other is for your own."

Ichigo's eyes downcast, and his fist noticeably trembled at his sides. "I know that." He growled under his breath, his eyes watching his own feet. _I can either have him or leave him. But…if he comes with me, he would only be temporarily happy, because eventually I'm going to lose him along with everyone else, and that could leave him worse than he already is...But if I leave him, _he sighed to himself, _he might have a better chance of moving on…_He looked up at the stoic Captain. _If he was able to move on with Byakuya…then perhaps he'll be able to find happiness elsewhere…somehow._

"Byakuya…" Ichigo began. "Please…love him."

The Captain hummed. "Don't be a fool. You and I both know that that is an absurd request." Ichigo's head shot up.

"How is it absurd?" Ichigo shouted. "You've been with him for two years, why wouldn't you love—" Ichigo stopped himself suddenly, realization striking him for the first time. "You don't love him, do you?...You never have!"

Again Byakuya hummed his indifference. "Then why?" Ichigo inquired, his fist balled at his side. "Why trick him into believing he had someone to care for him if you didn't _give a damn_ since the beginning? Huh?" He yelled ardently. "Why the hell are you playing with his life as though it's some sort of game?" He growled.

Byakuya's impassionate visage did not falter as he stared at the younger shinigami with an express of stone. "He is my lieutenant." He simply said, and Ichigo's fist clenched tighter at his sides and he gritted his teeth. "I refuse to let my pride or family's name be shamed by being recognized as the Captain who allowed his squad to fall to pieces because of one insolent child who permitted his emotions to control his actions."

"You bastard!" Ichigo growled behind clenched teeth. "It had _nothing_ to do with your goddamn pride or family name or _whatever_ _the hell else you thought it was about_! It had absolutely _nothing_ to do with _you_!" Ichigo lunged at him, but his attack was easily deflected, the Captain catching his fist in the palm of his hand. "He fucking saved your life that day…and you repay him by working and manipulating him because of your _goddamn pride_!" Ichigo liberated himself from his grasp and threw his other arm around to try and land a hit, but again it was easily deflected with Byakuya catching his wrist.

"As much as you would argue otherwise, ignorance is not bliss, Kurosaki." He said monotone. "It is as I thought…He could only tell you from his perspective…" Ichigo struggled against his grasp, and threw his fist out a third time, but again it was captured in Byakuya's palm. "It was never his intention to save me, as your name was the one he called out when he was impaled." Ichigo went rigid. "After that war was over I tripled his work and made sure he was occupied on anything but you." He threw the berry's wrist away from him, causing him to stagger back a few steps. "Thinking of you only seemed to have clouded his judgments. What I did was for his own benefit."

"…and everything else you two did together? The bounding you did…was it all so you could fill his head with lies? Tell me, how the hell was that for his benefit?" Ichigo chided, glowering menacingly.

"That was nothing more than him talking. I said nothing. He decided he wanted to talk. You were his center, everything revolved around you everysingle night, and every subject. I was simply there to watch and hear him cry himself to sleep." Byakuya answered. Ichigo didn't have a rebuttal. He just stared austerely at him. "Whatever lies or fabrications he concocted was going on between us in those moments were his doing, not mine."

"Then why would you..." Ichigo trailed, his eyes boldly tamed on him. "Why would you go with them...Why would you let him lie to himself and go _this_ far with him?"

Byakuya hummed. "A man only has his pride and honor to live for, but once those have been slenderized and stripped away from him, he has nothing left…I was willing to go that far in order to protect mine." Ichigo wanted to be pissed off at his comment, but he couldn't be. There was simply no room left inside of him for anymore anger or confusion or any emotion beyond that point. There was just simply nothing left in him. There was nothing he could do.

The oranget sighed, his eyes wandering to the floor. "You don't care about him at all, do you?" He asked, his voice just above a whisper.

Byakuya's cold gaze stared impassively at the boy. Silence fell between them. "…enough not to let him fall to pieces," he replied after a while. "That is more than I can say about you, Kurosaki Ichigo." Ichigo wanted to be livid and protest his dissonance, and yell and scream how much he cared for his friend, but as things seemed to stand, it was his own doing that made Renji fall into this pit of desolation and become the hollow shell of who he used to be.

Ichigo choked down his need to yell and instead decided to heave a dreaded sigh. And again, another line of silence fell between them.

Byakuya turned away from the dismayed Shinigami and without a word he sauntered towards the door. "Either you will take him with you, or you will leave him here," Byakuya stated uncaring. "Whatever decision you make, be certain to make it within the next few hours. You should be gone by the time I awake." He waited, expecting the young substitute to argue against the demand, but he hummed to himself when he hadn't heard any refusals. "It would not be wise for you to stay here any longer…He isn't strong enough to handle himself…although that was predictable from the very beginning, and he failed as I thought he would." But just as the Captain was about to leave him, he heard the younger Shinigami call out to him.

"Byakuya…" Ichigo began, his voice still just above a whisper. The apathetic Captain stilled but didn't turn to face him. "Please love him…" His pleaded, his voice soft. "…and promise me that…that you won't let him fall any further."

Silence suspended in the air, and both Shinigami's stood motionless.

"I see," then Byakuya disappeared behind the door, sliding it shut and leaving Ichigo to his realm of solitude.

**X:~/~:X**

He didn't know what time it was, but it felt like hours had passed since his and Byakuya's well-informative dialogue. But judging by the sky and how the darkness began to set into the horizon he assumed that it was perhaps after midnight.

He realized after sitting alone in the room for so long that his eyes had not only fooled him to believe that Renji hadn't changed in three years, but they had also fooled him to believe that Byakuya _had_ changed, and could actually give a damn about someone other than himself. He thought the Captain loved him, but reflecting back, he supposed it was obvious to decipher. He was too enrapt in his own false reality to realize any of it though. But now he saw everything clearly, and he wondered who else had actually changed during his three years of absence? Who else had his mind tricked him to believe hadn't changed at all?

It made no difference he supposed. What did it matter if _all of them_ had changed? It wouldn't have mattered. _They would all be gone eventually_, he reasoned with himself, and he heaved a futile sigh.

He hadn't rested at all, but instead decided to pace back and forth before finally settling in the chair at the desk beside Zangetsu, and he let his mind race as he stared up at the night sky. He sat like this for hours, somewhere in his mind expecting Renji to burst through the door. But he didn't.

Byakuya had given him a lot to contemplate, but in the end, he thought the best thing he could do for Renji was to just leave, despite leaving him in the care of his less-than-compassionate Captain.

_At least he can move on…_But now, he figured it was time for him to take his leave and he rose up from the chair, grabbing Zangetsu and placed him on his back, the long cloth on its hilt wrapping around his body and sheathing itself. He looked up at the sky once more and omitted an apprehensive sigh.

_It's for the best._ He tried to convince himself, and turned away from the window, and moved towards the door, opening it and sliding it close behind him. Then he made his way towards the front door, his hand trembling around the handle, but he slid it open, and again he closed it behind him. Closing each door behind him felt as though he were leaving a part of himself that he could never have back, and as though he was giving up on his friend who desperately needed his help.

_This is the best way for me to help him_. He reasoned, resisting the urge to turn back and stale for time. _No! Just…just leave, Ichigo! _God_…just leave him alone…for his own sake._ He hadn't known when he closed his eyes, but when he reopened them he noticed that he was already gliding through the air, leaping from rooftop to rooftop.

He sighed, his shoulders slumping as all of the tension of the days gone by began to slowly alleviate from his body. For the first time since he arrived back in the Soul Society he felt good with himself. He knew he was making the right decision. He closed his eyes and allowed the winds to wisp around him, to caress his face, his kimono fluttering and his tresses of hair flipping and twisting fluently.

"Ichigo," he heard the winds whisper. He knew it wasn't the winds. He could only hope that it was. "Ichigo." He stopped, and looked up at the full moon, the stars shimmering in the sky. Then he felt the presence of someone else behind him. He didn't bother to turn around…_I knew this would happen._ "Where're you going?" _I was hoping Byakuya would talk him out of coming…_

"I'm leaving." He answered simply.

"Why?" Renji asked.

"Because…if I stay… nothing good will come of it." He replied. "I have to go so you can be happy…I'm leaving for you."

Ichigo heard him approaching. "The only way I will be happy is if I have you…No one else…just you."

"You have—" Ichigo bit his tongue. He didn't actually have Byakuya, but before he could think to say anymore he felt Renji's hand against his back.

"I don't want him." Ichigo tensed slightly, and then sighed. _I guess that's a good thing. _He thought. _He couldn't make him happy anyhow, otherwise he would be happy now._ "I just want you…I just want my, Strawberry." Renji stood right beside him, his eyes gazing at the stars above just as Ichigo's were, his hand caressing his back.

"…I'm no good for you, Renji." Ichigo turned to avoid his eyes when he noted the redhead staring at him. "I'm just going to leave you in the end; rather it's voluntarily…or involuntarily."

Renji hummed and absently Ichigo wondered if he picked that habit up from his Captain. He didn't get to think too much of it as Renji's hand fell from his back and instead decided to grab his hand. "I've already told you before Ichigo…I can't live without you." Ichigo paused, turning to him, he noticed the tattooed man in turn was also staring at him, a smile set in place.

_This is him. _He thought to himself…_Renji._ He offered him a smile in return and squeezed his hand. _But still…_He shook his head at the man who looked at him perplexed. "I know you can't…I can't live without you either…but we have to." Renji squeezed his hand possessively.

"Why? Why do I _have_ to live without you when I can have you now?" Renji inquired, squeezing his hand tighter when Ichigo tried to take it away from him. He lessened his grip when he felt that he had given up on trying to escape him. "Weren't you the one who said that there is still time? You were right, there is. There still is time, for you, me, and for us."

The oranget sighed. "I told you already. I'm going to leave you…it's a fact, rather I want to or not, and I don't want to put you through that. You're better off finding someone else." Renji's grip loosened more and Ichigo moved his hand away from him.

Renji turned back to look up at the sky. "You can't say that."

"I can't say what?"

"That I'd be better off finding someone else, because you honestly don't know." He looked to the younger shinigami. "I've been with Byakuya for over two years. Who else is there to be better off with, Ichigo? If after two years I still can't fight the fact that I am in love with you. Who else is out there for me?" Ichigo looked away.

"I don't know," he whispered. "But I know I'm not the only one for you." He heard Renji sigh.

"There is nothing I can say or do to make you stay, is there?" Ichigo shook his head, his gaze still staring off somewhere else.

"No."

"I see." Renji looked back to the sky. Ichigo turned back to look at the redhead. He still couldn't deny how beautiful he was, with the way his tanned skin basked under the moonlight, and his hair, which he noticed was let down, danced expressively in the winds. His eyes glistened. Those pure obsidian orbs glistened, reflecting the stars that helped illuminate the sky. They were beautiful, but they only reminded him of why he had to leave.

Ichigo moved in front of him and grabbed both of his hands as he stared directly into his eyes. "Renji, I need you to promise me something." He didn't respond. "I need you to promise me that you're happiness won't end with me leaving, and that you will find someone who is truly worthy of having you, and please, please, _please_ promise me you won't stick to that lame ass excuse that I'm the only one out there for you…okay?" Ichigo smiled. "And please," his smile vanished and his tone was serious, "…promise me that you will get better…Can you do that? Can you promise me?"

Renji looked away from him and up to the skies. Ichigo just waited, until eventually Renji looked back down at him, a smile gracing his lips. "…I can…I promise."

"Good." Ichigo squeezed his hands and smiled. "Thank you."

"But you have to promise me something too." Renji said.

"What?"

"You have to promise me…that you won't ever forget about me, _ever_. Can you promise me _that_?" Ichigo just smiled.

"Of course." Renji scoffed.

"Liar." Ichigo laughed, and Renji involuntarily laughed along with him. Ichigo placed a hand against Renji's cheek, his eyes staring affectionately into his dark spheres. Tentatively, they both moved in closer to one another.

"Renji," Ichigo began, their lips softly touching. His breath ghosted across the redhead's lips. Renji hummed his response. "Can you promise me one more thing?" The older shinigami didn't reply. "Promise me…that you won't shed anymore tears for me…and…that you won't cry when I leave…Can you do that?"

"No…I can't." he answered without a moment of reluctance, and he closed the space between them, sealing their lips together one last time. Their lips meshed and their eyes closed at the same time. Their tongue's danced, and Ichigo squeezed the one hand that still connected them before letting it go.

"…please don't," he whispered.

Two tears ran from Renji's eyes in that instant, and when he opened them, he was gone. Two more tears escaped him. "I love you…Ichigo." He chuckled to himself as he wiped away his tears. "See, I told you I couldn't do it…I couldn't promise you." He whispered, smiling up into the darkened skies, and he felt himself fall to pieces.

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><p><strong>Alright then. I know this is the first AN since the second chapter I believe, but there is one more chapter left, and then comes the sequel that follows. Well I hope you enjoyed that little emotional rollercoaster I've been spinning you all around on. :)**

**Next chapter: Epilogue.**


	11. Epilogue: New Colors

**Epilogue: New Colors**

Red! Red and black was all he could think about, all he could see. Crimson hair, flowing as soft tendrils fell around broad shoulders. He could still sense how it felt to weave his hands through rubescent locks, its sweet smell of cinnamon and raspberries enveloping and arousing him into a state of divine bliss as he only fingered the soft tresses, the redhead sprawled beneath him.

When he wasn't reminiscing about the softness of his hair or the sweat smell of raspberries and cinnamon, he'd be reminded of those eyes. Those darkened orbs haunted him every night since he returned home. He would sometimes wake in the middle of the night in tears, and wouldn't go back to sleep until he cried his lullaby.

Red and black was all he could think about, all he could see; his red hair and the darkness in his eyes that tore a new hole in his soul, but now it felt more like a distant memory as each day passed.

It had been four weeks since he returned from Soul Society, and four weeks since he left Renji on that rooftop, and four weeks since Renji promised him that he would find another to be happy with. It pained him that he had to give up on him, but he convinced himself that it was for the best.

He wondered constantly about him, and since Rukia hadn't come to visit, then he was completely in the dark about everything. He hadn't caught word from anyone about those twins from when he first arrived in the Soul Society, but he guess they would handle it. He had pretty much resumed his old routine: live life normally until he was needed.

But now he lay in his bed, in his single bedroom flat abode, staring idly up at the ceiling, his hands behind his head and his body stretched out comfortably with his legs crossed. He still had his clothes on from his college classes from earlier that afternoon, but he was too tired to take them off. He was thankful that Kon didn't let him fall too far behind in his schoolwork and he did behave himself for once, despite the many girls that glared at him on occasions, but could easily ignore them.

As the moonlight brought a dim lighting into his room, he let his mind race. It became a habit after everything he had encountered with Renji, and everything he was forced to understand. It was a good way to develop mental space and to get rid of all the unnecessary things that bugged him. Like his dad's psychotic phone calls. He could feel his eye twitch at the thought.

_Damn phone,_ He growled to himself. _I should rip it out the wall._ But he decided not to since he would have to pay for it. He was only renting, he had to remind himself when his dad called.

He sighed.

He wanted to know what was happening, how Renji was doing, how Rukia was doing and if they stopped those two Komaru kids yet, but no one was bringing any information back to him. He hadn't even felt any spiritual pressures in the area since he came back home; from Hollows or Shinigamis

He was hoping someone would stop by to tell him something, _anything_! But then a sudden pressure struck him, aggressively forcing him to sink into his mattress, his eyes widening from the tenacity and abruptness of the impact.

"What the hell is this?" He gasped, but then it suddenly vanished, and left omitting a few controlled pants. He jumped up from his bed and moved over towards his window before pulling it up and poking his head out, looking left, and then right. No one, or anything was around, and he could feel the power of that reiatsu dimming as it seemed to get further and further away.

He gnashed his teeth. That reiatsu felt familiar, but he couldn't place it. _Damnit! I can't concentrate on anything with my spiritual powers fading like this._ He thought to himself. _But that reiatsu didn't feel like a shinigami._

He was trying to reason with himself. _I can't let…whatever this is, get away, but I probably shouldn't get involved with it in my current condition. Whatever the hell that thing was, it was powerful…But…damnit, when the hell did I start acting like this. Of course I can't just let it run wild out there. And I'm sure Uryuu caught on to whatever this is, so he should be there in no time._

He moved over to his dresser and pulled out the mod soul gumball and swallowed it. His soul separating from his body, and he looked down at Kon who was sitting on the floor in his body, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

"What's the deal, Ichigo?" He asked, looking up at the oranget in his shinigami attire. "Why are you up so late?"

"I felt a familiar spiritual pressure. I'm going to go see what it is." Kon's eyes, which were tacked with sleep a moment ago, widened, and he scrambled to his feet.

"Do you think that's a good idea in your condition? You know what; scratch that…It's _not_ a good idea in your condition." Ichigo just moved to the window. "Hey! Don't Ichigo! What if it's somebody who'll want to fight you?"

"Don't worry. Uryuu and the others should have felt it too. I'm sure they're on their way there by now."

"Yeah, but—Ichigo!" He shouted as he watched the Substitute Shinigami disappear out the window. Kon sighed. "I swear…why do I even bother?"

**X:~/~:X**

Ichigo skipped from building to building. His sensory skills weren't the best by a long shot, especially with his powers diminishing every five minutes, but he couldn't mistake where he felt this reiatsu coming from.

_Who the hell is this?_ His eyes widened. _It couldn't be her. _He decided to pick up his pace. Minutes later, he found himself in exactly the place he never wanted to be. He jumped down from the last building and onto the lumps of sand.

He didn't want to be here. It could've been anywhere but here. Anywhere but where his mother died. He clenched his teeth and closed his eyes to try and bury the memory.

"I finally found you, Kurosaki Ichigo." Ichigo froze, his eyes snapping open, and widening. _That voice…_Ichigo thought. Ichigo took a step back as the figure sauntered from behind the shadows that the buildings casted over the sandy shore.

"…You," Ichigo whispered breathless as he noted the other's nefarious grin.

"I've been looking all over for you, Shinigami."

Ichigo took another step back, the figure revealing himself completely under the moonlight, Ichigo's eyes widening further. "…Grimmjow…" he shuddered as the name passed his lips.

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><p><strong>So this is the epilogue. Yes it contains Grimmy. Hehe! But there is a reason for that, and plus I wanted to write a story about my two favorite bleach pairs (IchiRen and IchiGrimm). So the sequel will have Grimmjow in it and Renji, but Grimmjow will be more present. Actually, a lot more present than Renji, although Renji will still be in it. And no, they won't be fighting over Ichigo's love and affection, haha! That's just too cliche` for me. :)<strong>

**But the sequel shall be coming to you all soon, or rather, as soon as I finish writing it. ^_^ But I hope you liked the IchiRen portion of the story, and then next will be the IchiGrimm portion. Yay! :D**

**But until next time…Ciao for now lovelies'! ;)**


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